Employee Memo

Tom McNichol

TO: All employees
FROM: Phil, Office Manager
RE: Security Procedures

In light of recent events, we have established new company-wide security procedures, effective immediately. Please familiarize yourself with these new guidelines. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me or Tracy in Human Resources.

Your friendly corporate mailperson dresses up for the mail. (AP Photo/Axel Seidemann)

MAILROOM
Dave the mailroom guy is no longer employed by the company as of last Friday. Please help us welcome Jason, our new mailroom specialist, and make him feel at home. In your dealings with Jason, kindly refrain from discussing the details surrounding Dave's departure. As noted in yesterday's memorandum, Dave is currently "pursuing other opportunities" at an undisclosed location and cannot be contacted. Any further questions regarding Dave should be forwarded directly to our legal department.

All mailroom personnel have been issued rubber examination gloves as a precautionary measure. Jason's gloves are clearly marked "JASON," in black Magic Marker, so if you happen to see his gloves lying around, please do not touch them. We want Jason to feel like these are "his" gloves for his use only.

Jason will presort all office mail, removing any suspicious packages or letters. You can make his job easier by keeping an eye out for questionable material and disposing of it yourself. Don't forget to use the recycling bin. Be especially wary of any letter or package that:

• Has no return address
• Has a return address from anywhere in Afghanistan except the northern one-eighth of the country
• Has a return address from anyone named "Mr. Taliban," "Mr. Tal I. Ban" or any variation
• Contains unclear or "crazy" handwriting
• Contains excessive postage
• Features the "LOVE" stamp with a red diagonal slash drawn through it
• Has wires protruding from the package
• Is giving off smoke
• Smells bad
• Is stamped "If Undeliverable, DO NOT Return To Sender"
• Contains a notation in the lower left-hand corner "Attn: Infidels"

As always, our primary concern is the health and safety of our employees. However, we are running a business. We can't let fear prevent us from receiving mail from our clients, who, in the end, sign all of our paychecks. Therefore, we have purchased, at considerable cost to the company, a biohazard suit for use when opening "questionable" mail. This suit is now hanging in the hallway closet (where the Fed Ex supplies used to be) and is available for sign out by any fulltime employee. Since we all have to share the same suit, please be careful with it, and be sure to wipe it down thoroughly after use. If we all pitch in, we can get through this time with minimal disruption to business activity.

FRONT DOOR SECURITY
You may have already noticed the heightened security measures downstairs as you entered the building this morning. The security guard who used to sit behind the desk is now standing, and will continue to stand until further notice. Additionally, his radio has been taken away, and his lunch break has been shortened to 15 minutes. If the guard seems curt or unfriendly to you as you enter the building, please bear in mind that he is only doing his job to make our building safer. I am confident that his new "high alert" status will impact security in a positive manner.

Also, we have re-programmed the building's alarm system for an added level of security. In those cases where you find yourself working in the office beyond 10 PM (the normal time the alarm arms itself), you now have the option to reprogram the arming time for that one night.

This ain't the speed metal Anthrax that played "Bring Tha Noize" with Public Enemy. But it's still pretty noisy. (WHO/Reuters)

SECURITY CAMERAS
We are in the process of installing security cameras in all work areas, hallways, and bathrooms. The installation will take 3-5 days, and once the cameras are in place you will probably not even notice they are there. You may occasionally hear a whirring or clicking sound - this is merely the camera zooming in for a closer look. Be assured that your privacy is our primary concern. After we view the security tapes each day, they will be stored in a secure area accessible only to senior management and their closest friends. We're confident that the cameras will not only increase security in the office, but will also improve worker productivity. Don't give into fear - now's the time to work harder than ever.

HIGH-ALERT WEDNESDAYS
We have received credible evidence that the most likely day of the week for a serious attack against the health and safety of our employees is on a Wednesday. All employees are to remain on high-alert status every Wednesday until further notice. Please don't let this interfere with your normal work activities.

WHITE POWDER
It goes without saying that if you see any white powdery substances anywhere in the office, you are to notify security immediately. However, whoever removed the vial of white powder from my upper right-hand desk drawer, please return it at once. No questions asked.