Working For the Man: The Lowdown on Which Women's Mags To Buy or Burn

Sandra Fu

I have a love/hate relationship with women's magazines.

They stare out from the cluttered racks with their glossy, brightly colored backgrounds, while beautiful women with flawless bodies taunt me with their sweet smiles or come-hither looks. They make me fully aware of my numerous imperfections and capitalizing on my bruised ego, they tease me with captions promising "The Best Makeup Tips Used by Professionals" and "Ways to Shrink an Expanding Midsection."

I'm captivated. I need to know what they are! "Kevyn Aucoin, come and save me," one of my little voices pleads, "I need to know how to tame my unruly eyebrows!" That's it. I've been suckered.

I pull the magazine off the rack as the flavor-of-the-month actress/model on the cover gives me a knowing look, confirming I've made the right decision. Like some guilty pleasure, I try to hide my purchase by folding it in half or pressing the cover against my chest, because I don't want people to think I need this information, right? I mean, I'm a confident, independent, modern woman. Aren't I?

I shell out the $3.50 and walk out the door.

I've gone through this process many times and although in several instances I've felt completely abused by the time I've finished reading the magazine, like some lovesick codependent I keep going back for more. I'm part knowledge-seeker, part masochist, I figure, as another one of my voices angrily scolds me, "You're a feminist! How can you buy into this garbage? Just look at how they are objectifying women!"

"Yeah!" I agree.

MORE Morphizm

"I think that there's been a lot of difficulty in defining what is American, what is considered American. There's a lot of difficulty with acceptance within our community of foreignness at this time."

"But at the time it was as if he had announced to the whole world that I was wearing a training bra. So I turned around and delivered a swift kick to his crotch."

"The chief characteristic of I'm the One That I Want is bravery -- Cho simply has no fear taking on gays, straights, the media, networks, (Cauc)Asians, culture, sex, addiction and countless other components of popular American life."

"My father's side of the family had the good fortune to be on the route of the first missionaries bringing Christianity to Korea, so we jumped on the Jesus bandwagon before it got all crowded with Buddhist poseurs."

"The aptly named Carney thought that Asian-Americans would find 'Two Wongs Can Make it White' cheeky and irreverent? Maybe if they, like Abercrombie &Fitch, weren't thinking."

"Some women may find it useful to support their upper body by propping their hands or forearms on their knees. Once properly positioned go ahead and let loose the stream."

Now I'm mad. These magazines are supposed to be for women, right? Wouldn't that mean the cover should be of someone we find pleasing, like Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp -- the list could go on forever. It is here where we could learn a lesson from our male counterparts. Have you noticed what's on the cover of most men's magazines? Women! So how is it that our media has convinced women to envy one another while encouraging men to ogle the requisite T&A that graces their magazine covers? I want equality. I want justice. I want scantily clad, gorgeous men on my magazine covers.

Of course, reality strikes eventually, and it seems to be arguing that women like to ogle beautiful women as much as men do. They just do it differently -- "Her boobs are so fake!" or "I bet she just had liposuction" -- so I, like most women I would guess, accept it and go on buying these cursed magazines for their content.

And it is because I am a woman with so much useless information in her head that I felt the need to help weed out the truly disgraceful, insulting magazines and point you in the direction of the more clever, socially conscious ones that still manage to fulfill my superficial side.

Public Enemy #1: Cosmopolitan
Let's start with first impressions. When I see this magazine, I think blow jobs.

The reason? Because every other cover girl has a super-glossed pout, parted in such a way that it's difficult not to think about blow jobs regardless of your sex, which strikes me as particularly unfair since I don't have a penis and I'm not a lesbian.

Next, take a look at the captions. At least half of them have a sexual angle slanted towards satisfying men, not women. Here are a few from just the October issue: