The Zune is Doomed

Once again, Morphizm pal ANDY HERMANN drops by from Blogger's Banquet, this time to tackle Microsoft's doomed Zune. Redmond, it is high time to come up with something cool of your own. The tea leaves aren't saying anything good about your future. Really:

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As a music blogger, I feel compelled to offer up my commentary on the launch of Microsoft's much-hyped Zune player -- but truth be told, I really can't add anything to the whole "Is it an iPod killer" debate?" that isn't clearly expressed in this side-by-side comparison photo, which I lifted from the review on IGN.com. To summarize:

iPod: stylish metallic and black
Zune: '70s rec room brown (with a moldy greenish tint)*

iPod: slim and sleek
Zune: thick and brick-like

And that's really all you need to know, isn't it? Somebody at Microsoft apparently did not get the memo that when it comes to portable music players, size matters, and smaller is better. People take these things jogging and wedge them in next to their lattes in their car's center console. Microsoft also didn't get the memo that these things are not just multimedia players -- they're also fashion accessories, a point succinctly demonstrated by a CNN anchor in a segment on "Minding Your Business", who watches the New York Times' Andrew Ross Sorkin give a lukewarm but mildly favorite review to the Zune, then proudly shows off her new, matchbook-sized iPod Nano. Comparing the two, her co-anchor dismisses the Zune as "clunky." Ouch.

To be fair, not all Zune reviews have been negative. The aforementioned IGN.com review was highly favorable, and at least one blogger on ZDnet seems to be convinced that all the bad buzz surrounding the Zune is the result of a vast conspiracy by those cult-like iPod lovers. He may have a point, too; after all, sites like this one don't magically start appearing every time Apple puts out a new generation of iPods.

But no matter how many tech bloggers and critics point out the Zune's positives -- a brighter video screen, more intuitive navigation, WiFi sharing between Zunes (though not, it must be noted, between your Zune and your computer), a scratch-resistant, hard-rubberized body -- they just don't outweigh the "clunky" factor. And in nuts-and-bolts terms, there's really no difference between the Zune and the iPod -- you get the same amount of memory for the same price, playback quality is about the same, and you'll spend just as much time ripping CDs onto your computer and then transferring them to your portable device.

So can anyone stop the iPod? Speaking as someone who doesn't own an iPod, I'll tell you what it would take for me to buy any kind of portable music player: A fully WiFi-enabled device with decent controls (sorry, iPod, that click-wheel sucks -- but then again, no one's improved on it, either), built-in EQs, and playback quality good enough to plug that sucker into a high-end sound system and not notice any compression (and again, sorry Apple, but the file formats you sell on iTunes are sucky). Oh, and a laser that can read and rip the data right off my CDs so I don't have to load my whole music collection onto my computer. Cuz I'm lazy like that.

*The Zune also comes in white and black versions, but let's face it, that brown is pretty telling of the design attitude that shaped the thing.