Morphizm Q&A: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

by Scott Thill

If you haven't met the legal, uh ... eagle named Harvey Birdman yet, get your feathered ass over to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim bloc on Sunday nights and read up, sucka. Because he can get your sad sack out of a jam faster than you can say "Smucker's." So far, he's boasting a 100% success rate in court and he's defended some pretty animated hard guys. From mob bosses like Fred Flinstone to repeat drug offenders like Scooby and Shaggy to the homicidal yet politically radical BooBoo Bear and onward, if you're under the gun and need a hired hand, Harvey's your man, uh ... bird. Screw it. You get the idea. Like we did, when we got lucky enough to lob our questions at Birdman as he enjoyed a Tab (only one calorie? how do they do it?) with his partner, Avenger.

Morphizm: If Mentok tried to take your mind, what would he find?
Harvey: Hopefully the keys to my Civic. Can't find them anywhere.

Morphizm: Why doesn't Reducto build a size-increasing weapon and shoot himself with it, rather than waste all of his ammo shrinking everything else? Doesn't he know there's a war on?
Harvey: You've spent a lot of time thinking about this, haven't you? Not too much time -- just the right amount.

Morphizm: Which celebrity scandal do you wish you could have been a part of?
Harvey: Whichever one involved the most nudity.

Morphizm: Will Peanut ever get a raise? Why not?
Harvey: Peanut is currently paid handsomely. In love.

Morphizm: Lemme pitch this: Avenger in a remake of Working Girl called Working Bird. But who will play his love interest?
Harvey: Harrison Ford. Always Harrison Ford.

Morphizm: Waiting for Godot, starring you, Spyro and Mentok. Who leaves first and why?
Harvey: The audience.

Morphizm: Can Tom Cruise really handle the truth? Really, can he?
Harvey: I think it may have been Nicole Kidman who couldn't handle "the truth."

Morphizm: OJ, guilty? Robert Blake, crackpot? Phil Spector, genius? Or vice versa?
Harvey: Yes, yes and genius. In a murderous way.

Morphizm: Can the Wonder Twins sue the Justice League for being assigned really lame powers?
Harvey: I would recommend they sue Bill Hanna and Joe Barbara. They have more money.

Morphizm: Is it legal for Apache Chief's MultiCulture Pals to subsidize their crime-fighting with Indian casino gaming revenue?
Harvey: Not only is it legal, it's a great idea until we pony up with the beer distributorship for Jesse.

Morphizm: Do you have any legal advice to give Robert Downey Jr. right now? How about tomorrow?
Harvey: I don't think he needs my advice. Anyone who's in Skechers ads must be doing something right.

Morphizm: Barbara Walters undresses me with her eyes every time she appears on TV. Can I sue her for sexual harassment?
Harvey: Uhhh ... what time's that show on?

Morphizm: Cop Rock. What went wrong?
Harvey: Too much cop, not enough rock. No, wait. Maybe I got that backwards.

Morphizm: Do you miss your field reporting days with Court TV?
Harvey: You're confusing me with someone else. I was on QVC.

Morphizm: Hanging chads. Fashion faux pas? Or brilliant legal strategy?
Harvey: Hold on a sec, there was that quickie in the satellite truck with Catherine Crier. As the Finnish say, "Ge-VOORT-gevilden!"

NEW EPISODES OF HARVEY BIRDMAN: ATTORNEY AT LAW BEGIN MAY 25th. FOR MORE INFO, VISIT OUR LUNATIC FRIENDS AT ADULTSWIM.COM

20 May 03

Scott Thill usually finds the time to write on everything that does not include those fearsome words, "boy band". He's also a gainfully employed editor who writes for XLR8R, Popmatters, All Music Guide, AOL and others. His first novel, The Dangerous Perhaps, should be done by the time the War on Terrorism is over.

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