Chad Johnson keeps it street with a putt in the end zone. (AP/Tony Tribble)

[by Amy Bass]

We can dance if we want to 
We can leave your friends behind 
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance 
Well they're no friends of mine.
-- Men Without Hats, “Safety Dance”

In happens during the locker room scene, in which two men, one white, clothed, and Tom Cruise, and the other black, in a towel, and not Tom Cruise, square off against one another, trying to figure out why they are at cross-purposes despite having the same goal in sight. It's the moment that an academy award nominated film becomes something a bit more, perhaps because Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. profoundly understands the lines he is speaking.

Jerry Maguire:  “Let's show them your pure joy of the game, let's bury the attitude a little, let's show them…”
Rod Tidwell:  “You're telling me to dance….That's the iconography of racism, man….Do your job, man, don't tell me to dance….I'm an athlete, not an entertainer. These are the ABCs of me. Get it? I don't dance.”

I don't dance either. But I'm hoping that if I wanted to, particularly to celebrate something, there wouldn't be a rule against it. But before the start of the NFL's owners meetings in Orlando, there must have been a screening of the Kevin Bacon classic Footloose, because football will now become the sporting equivalent of a small evangelical town in the Midwest. Or, because of the absurdly written and rarely enforced “cabaret laws,” football will be New York City.

Or Kabul. I think dancing is definitely illegal in Kabul. Or at least it was.

While most people should've been concerned with who would replace retiring NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, the NFL announced that both the owners and the Players Association had voted to curtail end zone celebrations, passing a mandate that players must stay upright after scoring and avoid “prolonged or excessive celebrations.”  Gone were the days of celebratory push-ups, worm crawls, marriage proposals, boat rowing, and golf putting. The consequence for violation? A 15-yard penalty for “unsportsmanlike conduct.”

Not that the NFL didn't appreciate the antics of the likes of Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, or Terrell Owens, to name just a few. Indeed, Rich McKay, general manager of the Atlanta Falcons, admitted that he – and others – had laughed during the meeting while watching the tapes. “These guys are very creative,” he said.  “But there has to be some lines drawn.”

While the NFL ruled some time ago that players were not allowed to use “foreign or extraneous objects” in their celebrations, the new “stay-on-your-feet” rule added the pigskin itself to the list, noting that it was not to be used as a prop in any way, shape, or form. The rule, of course, originally came into play some three years ago after New Orleans receiver Joe Horn scored against the Giants and then made a call on a cell phone handed to him by Michael Lewis, who pulled it from the goal post padding. Horn says he called his kids. The NFL said he owed $30,000 in fines.

Horn's antics built on those of Terrell Owens, who had grabbed a Sharpie from his sock after scoring against Seattle in 2002, signed the ball, and handed it to his accountant, in what I thought was one of the most insightful demonstrations of what professional sports are really all about.

Perhaps even more insightful? When Carolina's Steve Smith scored against the Minnesota Vikings and then proceeded to sit down in the end zone and pretend to row a boat with the ball. Scandalous? Not as scandalous as what he was visually referring to: the notorious “Love Boat” incident that involved Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams, a cruise on Lake Minnetonka, some lap dances, and a lot of booze and gambling. In testimony, Williams actually proclaimed that he couldn't have touched any of the dancers because his hands were full of drinks and a bag of money. But Smith is the one the NFL is making the rule about.

And then there's the Bengals' Chad Johnson, the man who actually stashed a sign that read “DEAR NFL:  PLEASE DON'T FINE ME AGAIN” to hold up after reaching the end zone.  Johnson, who certainly has a notable career even without such stunts, has also made a career of them. He has used a pylon in the end zone to putt the football. He has performed “Riverdance” to celebrate.  He has used the ball to propose to a cheerleader on bended knee.

His moves are part of a longstanding Bengals' tradition, with Johnson following in the footsteps of one Elbert “Ickey” Woods, creator of the “Ickey Shuffle,” a signature move that became a national phenomenon (remember the commercial?) before it was eventually forced from the end zone to the sidelines by the original 1980s ruling against illegal celebration. Woods is now gone, a career shortened by injury, but he's not forgotten:  last December, Pittsburgh's Hines Ward paid homage to the Shuffle, an act that Woods said made him feel “honored.”

In reaction to this latest NFL ruling, Johnson told the Cincinnati Enquirer, “Of course you cannot stop someone as creative as me.  How can this bother someone as creative as me?” He went on to say that he would confer with Smith and Owens to figure out how to operate within the new rules.

It would seem that Johnson understands something about the NFL that the NFL doesn't understand about itself:  sports are part of the entertainment industry, and the more personality a player puts into play, the higher his visibility -- and marketing appeal -- will be. Johnson's frolics have even become betting fodder. Last fall, before a game against the Steelers, Johnson announced: “Pittsburgh, I'm coming to your town this week and I love you. I've got some things to iron out in the Steel City. The key word is:  iron out.  Everybody remember the key word:  iron.” Upon hearing his statement, BetCRIS Sportsbook actually posted odds on whether or not the NFL would fine Johnson for whatever end zone rejoicing he had planned.  While nothing much came of it during the Bengals' victory, the rumors that ran rampant on the blogs (most speculating that Johnson had stashed an ironing board in the end zone and would iron a Steelers' “Terrible Towel” after scoring) continued what is likely the only thread of creativity that football players or fans ever experience.

It's all for the good, because it should put money into everyone's pockets. And isn't that what it's all about? Apparently not. According to those at the meeting, members of the Players Association expressed distress over the fact that their own kids were excessively celebrating touchdowns in youth leagues, and that the professionals were setting a bad example for them. Right: far better for the little ones to focus on tackling the shit out of each other. Because all of this creative rejoicing is really distracting in the midst of one of the more violent sports that we pay people to play.

Not all celebrations have been made null and void, however. Still okay, according to the NFL, is spiking the ball into the ground after a touchdown is scored. The move debuted in 1965 with the Giants' Homer Jones, one of the forefathers of end zone tricks. And we should not forget moves such as the “Funky Chicken” of Houston's Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, Butch Johnson's “California Quake,” Jamal Anderson's “Dirty Bird,” and the entirety of the Redskins so-called Fun Bunch, who would get together in the end zone after a touchdown to leap into a group high-five. And football, of course, isn't alone. In baseball, many kiss the sky after hitting one out of the park, soccer has hilarious celebrations that involve lots of sliding, flying and pantomimes, and even in the seemingly staid sport of hockey, celebrations (carefully) take place on the ice, such as the time that Teemu Selanne tossed his glove into the air and used his stick to shoot it like a clay pigeon, or when Russian phenom Alex Ovechkin jumps into the glass after an especially big goal (a frequent occurrence for him).  Of course, there was that time in Anaheim when Ovechkin went to jump and slipped and belly flopped on the ice.  But hey, whatever makes it spectacular...

But the NFL is different from the NHL -- just look at it -- and the time and space in which these end zone antics -- and the backlash against them -- are happening is no accident. In his essay “Backfield in Motion: The Transformation of the NFL by Black Culture” (and in full disclosure, it's published in my collection In the Game ), Joel Dinerstein argues that “African Americans create permanent changes in American sports once they attain a certain critical mass.” Black players currently comprise over 65% of the NFL, leading Dinerstein to conclude, after illustrating how football changed in the 1970s because of African American influences, that it is a statistic that the organization seems to be embarrassed by. “How else to assess the ‘illegal celebration' penalty of the 1980s,” asks Dinerstein, “except as the illegal use of black culture?”

Bottom line? The NFL is exhaustingly trying to negotiate its place in American society. So with Janet's nipple shamed and covered at the Superbowl, the collective labor dispute settled just a few weeks ago, Chad Johnson creatively benched, individuality placed in the backseat of a car driven by team and league, and a rule mandating that no one, never mind the fictional but philosophical Rod Tidwell, has to dance, football is heading straight back to its scary-ass Cold Warrior all-American roots, begging the question:  who will be the next Dave Meggyesy, because it sure looks like we could use someone like him right about now.

Besides, am I seriously the only one who laughed when Randy Moss mooned Green Bay? It was funny, right? Right?

April 04, 2006

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