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[by Amy Bass ] I thought I was seeing things. I just couldn't get my head around it. I had planned a rare evening of baseball. The Yankees were at Fenway, which means the television in my Manhattan living room actually had a Red Sox game on it. I knew Wakefield was pitching. But there he was, dressed in full gear, waiting for the game to begin: Doug Mirabelli. And apparently it wasn't just my television. How could he be there? The Red Sox had off-loaded him to the Padres, thinking apparently that someone else could catch Wakefield. John Flaherty tried during spring training and decided to retire instead. Young Josh Bard then took a turn flailing away at the ungodly stuff Wake threw his way. Ten passed balls later -- a league leading ten, mind you -- Bard was on a plane to San Diego, while Mirabelli headed east. Apparently he had a police escort from Logan, got changed in the car, and walked into the park some 13 minutes before game time. But because I had apparently spent the day in a bubble, I had no idea it was true until I saw him. I was happy for about forty seconds. And then I threw up my hands (I did -- I actually threw up my hands). What kind of ridiculous industry does this happen in? It was the kind of thing that if you saw it in a movie, you'd think, “Yeah, like that would ever happen.” So after my joy over the return of Mirabelli, I got mad at sports. And even though it won't last, I came up with my top reasons why: Alex Ovechkin: There is something sad about a system in which your ability to watch a talent like this twenty-year-old gets cut short because a team doesn't make the playoffs. I know it's how it works. And I'm happy to have the NHL back and we even have playoffs. But wouldn't it be fun to watch Alex for just a few more weeks? Latin Americans in the MLB: Just because liberal journalists are trying to make superficial and poorly researched connections regarding the debate about immigrants in the U.S. and major league baseball doesn't mean it works as an argument. As cricket fan C.L.R. James told us all so long ago, it's about class, my friend, not race or ethnicity. To compare the plight of immigrant baseball players (which doesn't mean that those players don't have numerous struggles, particularly when compared to their whiter counterparts) to that of the majority of immigrant workers in the service industries who have been hitting the streets in demonstrative marches is a complete misunderstanding of the terribly critical issues on the table. A better, albeit less sexy, comparison? Get off the baseball field, head to the race track, and find some of the exercise boys there. Talk to them. Then check out the Real Sports episode with the piece on camel jockeys in the Middle East. Get the picture? Bronson Arroyo: At least the Red Sox got Mirabelli back. But with them feeling good about their starting pitching (not foreseeing that the aged and overweight David Wells might have a problem or two and that maybe Keith Foulke isn't really all better) Bronson gets thrown to the Reds, who are having a surprisingly good start to their season. What does Bronson do at his first at bat in the National League? He blows one out of the park at his first at-bat of the season. A whopping 403-feet. And then he hit another one. So while Bronson loved Boston, and Boston loved him, and he wanted to play baseball and his guitar there forever, it's done. A very wise friend perhaps said it best: not only should the Red Sox have kept Arroyo, he should've been batting seventh. Duke Lacrosse: It isn't always about guilt or innocence, which isn't to say that those things don't matter. While the administration made an interesting move in suspending the team for the rest of the season after hearing the details of the party where something terribly illegal may have happened, we now have a university committee recommending that the team resume its status for next season despite an obvious “pattern of misconduct in recent years.” Citing specifically problems with alcohol, the committee still advocated that the team had a right to continue. I guess I missed that part of the Constitution, the part where one has a right to be an athlete. The NFL Draft: De-Fense is something that you chant while sitting in the stands of a game, not something you choose when you have first pick. Mario over Reggie? Seriously? Are you sure? Because it really took a lot of the fun out of it. The Barry Bonds Witch Hunt: Is he guilty? Perhaps. Would this go down the same way if he was white? No way. The story of Barry Bonds simply demonstrates, just one more time, how easily accessible race is as a tool for expressing anger at a public figure. And how smart Mark McGwire was to flee when he did. And by the way? McGwire was “surly” to the press too. The Absence of Golf at Coachella: Madonna performs at what used to be an alternative event -- when will we all admit that Coldplay is simply not alternative? -- spurring some to don tee-shirts that say MADONNA KILLED COACHELLA. And in some kind of attempt to hang with the cool kids again, she changes “If you don't like my attitude, then you can fuck off/Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf?” to “Just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick.” Which doesn't even rhyme. Red Bulls: At the Olympics in Torino, U.S. alpine hope Daron Rahlves wasn't allowed to wear his usual helmet, adorned with a red bull, because it too closely resembled the logo of his sponsor, uh, Red Bull. He didn't do so well. And now in New York City, the once reasonably named Metro Stars are the Red Bulls because AEG sold the team to, well, Red Bull. Because that's what New York has always wanted: a professional sports team that Paris Hilton mixes with vodka. Indian Mascots: The NCAA denied the appeals of the University of North Dakota, the University of Illinois, and Indiana University of Pennsylvania to keep using Native American symbols as mascots, citing its emphasis on “diversity, respect and sportsmanship.” While the mandate doesn't actually forbid the schools from keeping their current monikers, it does prevent them from competing in postseason competition if they choose to do so. So apparently only good teams can't use Indian imagery. Bad teams without any playoff potential have free license to defame anyone they want. May 1, 2006 
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Juice abuse? "And by the way? McGwire was 'surly' to the press too." (Photo:AP/Jeff Chiu) 
THE PRETENDERS
