by Tyrone Slothrop

OK, folks, read this quick and then head for the highest ground you can find. Nibiru is coming and the West Coast is about to be inundated with tsunamis and earthquakes; it's all going underneath the waves, the poles are going to slide down the earth's crust and rest firmly on Washington, D.C., and the government knows about it but they're not saying jack.

What's that? You haven't heard about Nibiru, a.k.a. Planet X? Don't you people watch the news? You say it hasn't been reported on the news?! AT ALL?!

LEGEND

5 Spies - Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They Won't Get You

4 Spies - ALMOST THERE, STAY ON TARGET...

3 Spies - The Phone is Ringing, But I'm SCREENING CALLS

2 Spies - James Bond Movies Have Less Holes

1 Spy - HOGWASH! Don't Rinse Your Mouth Out With THIS Stuff

Come to think of it, I haven't seen anything on it either. A total absence of reportage on this subject is a tremendous oversight on the corporate media's part, I think. I mean, do the news networks really expect us to continue watching American Idol and Survivor and not expect us to care when Armageddon is approaching? Is that all we are to them, a bunch of mindless drones?

Sorry. I drifted off on a tangent. I do that sometimes, especially when Armageddon is breathing down on my skinny neck.

Just come over into this dark corner and I'll show you the professed connections between Planet X, Saddam Hussein, and the true reasons behind the war on Iraq. And before Nibiru arrives and flips our world on its ear, you will learn about a possible origin of the human race -- one of many argued archaeological cover-ups that involve our government -- and the first European to set foot on North American soil. (And no, I'm not talking about Christopher Columbus or even Leif Ericsson. This cat came over nearly 10,000 years ago and that angel hasn't looked homeward since.)

~ Alien Stepfathers? ~
Around 6,000 years ago, the Sumerian civilization sprang up in the region of Mesopotamia, between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in what is now southern Iraq. The Sumerians developed a highly advanced culture, much of which we still use today. They developed the first advances in writing, mathematics, science, medicine, and perhaps most importantly, astronomy.

One of the more enduring Sumerian achievements is the Epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest known written story. It is about a hero named Gilgamesh, who is two-thirds god and one-third man. Also within the story is an account of a great flood, one that may have predated the Bible's. The flood was sent by the Anunnaki, which means "Those who from Heaven to Earth came." The Anunnaki were the offspring of Anu, the Mesopotamians' equivalent of Zeus, and they were the seven judges of Hell.

Sumerian culture: signed, Akkadian cylinder sealed and delivered. "The weird thing about this Akkadian cylinder seal (one of many that archaeologists have found) is that we have no idea how the Sumerians made the thing, or any of the others for that matter." (Photo: www.garone.net)

Now the whole controversy over the Sumerians concerns the work of an archaeologist named Zecharia Sitchin, who has written many books about the Anunnaki -- The 12th Planet, The Wars Of Gods and Men, etc. According to Sitchin, the Anunnaki came from the Heavens and created Man in their likeness, much like the Biblical God made Adam. They came from a planet called Nibiru, whse orbit around the Sun every 3600 years brought it into close proximity with the Earth. They came to Earth around 450,000 years ago to mine gold to help protect their own planet -- why a civilization that can travel through space would need gold is not explained, but hey, that's why they call it conspiracy theory, people -- but, being exhausted from their battles to save their planet and the long trip to ours, they needed help in the mines. So they sought out the hominids that roamed around our planet (cro-magnons, neanderthals, et al.) and pushed evolution quickly forward by inserting part of their own genetic material to create a hybrid species to do their bidding.

Sitchin claims some of his evidence comes from an Akkadian cylinder seal (#VA/243), which shows an apparent depiction of our solar system, albeit with 11 planets rather than the nine we know (the Sumerians apparently counted the Moon as a planet). So, the remaining planet, Sitchin surmised after much research through Mesopotamian writings, was Nibiru. The weird thing about this Akkadian cylinder seal (one of many that archaeologists have found) is that we have no idea how the Sumerians made the thing, or any of the others for that matter.

Some more evidence supporting Sitchin comes from the Bible itself, specifically Genesis 1:26 ("And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness") and Genesis 6:4 ("There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown"). In the Semitic languages (Aramaic, Arabic, Akkadian, et al), the generic word for God was El. It also had a plural form -- Elohim. In the Hebrew Bible, the Elohim -- also known as the Nephilim -- are representatives of God, or as Sitchin will tell you, they are the sons of God, hence the Anunnaki. It was precisely this intermingling of the races that caused God -- the Anunnaki, or whatever -- to attempt destruction of the new offspring with a great flood before they overtook the planet and wrecked it (I don't think He or They succeeded).

It's all connected, man! "This picture was the Sumerian symbol for medicine and healing, the caduceus that is still used to signify our own medical communities. Notice that the caduceus also resembles the double-helix structure of DNA. Things that make you go 'Hmm,' indeed." (Photo: www.sitchin.com)

Yet more evidence supporting Sitchin comes from a very interesting Sumerian drawing. On a page simply called "Adam" found on Sitchin's site, there's a picture of two dragons holding two swords while between them, two serpents are coiled around a rod. This picture was the Sumerian symbol for medicine and healing, the caduceus that is still used to signify our own medical communities. Notice that the caduceus also resembles the double-helix structure of DNA. Things that make you go "Hmm," indeed.

Some supporters of the Planet X theory have gone a bit farther in their beliefs than Sitchin. Some actually believe that Planet X is due back at any minute. Nancy Leider of Zetatalk is one of these people; she claims that she can channel aliens, or "Zetas" as she says they are called, and that they are providing her with information about Nibiru's return and the catastrophic consequences this will have on the earth. Some consequences include another pole shift, a slowing of the earth's rotation (while the poles realign over the equator), new land erupting from the seas, the oceans rising for several hundred feet (and then receding again), and massive amounts of volcanic ash and debris covering the earth and skies in darkness. In order to further her cause, Leider's site also has "pictures" of Planet X, although the most recent of these I could find was from early 2002. And, to show that these "Zetas" have a humanistic side -- so to speak -- Leider's supplied a list of safe locations for people to live until the pole shift is over!

All this might make for compelling reading were it not for some of the claims Leider makes on her website. For instance, she says the earth's rotation has been slowing for years and claims the Navy and NASA have known it all along while adding one second per day to atomic clocks to make up for it. Meanwhile, NASA claims that fluctuations in the earth's rotation are due to winds and atmospheric pressure systems such as El Nino.

Another person who rode Leider's coattails for a while until he felt "inspired" to write his own warning about Planet X is Mark Hazlewood -- author of Blindsided - Planet X Passes in 2003? - Earth Changes! -- a lurid title, to be sure, especially since Sitchin (the only recognized authority on Planet X) hasn't hinted that Planet X was due back this year or any year. However, like Leider (with whom he was once friendly), Hazlewood states that Planet X may be back this year or in 2004, according to an insider friend of his in New Mexico. On top of that, several prophets and intuitives (why don't these New Agers just call them soothsayers?) have corroborated this time frame for Planet X's return!

Now, why doesn't everyone come up with such reliable sources when they do investigative reporting? I'm sure Geraldo Rivera could use some help. Maybe Hazlewood could have one of his intuitive friends remote view the whereabouts of Bette Midler so Geraldo can re-conquer one of his old "flames."

No wonder we can't find him. "My only question is -- don't these people know that their petty bickering means nothing when the U.S. is battling Iraq to secure the operation of a machine that allows us to travel from Earth to other places in the universe?"

Anyway, the rift between Hazlewood and Leider formed when he "appropriated" her Zetatalk posts and passed them off as his own research and then used her same marketing strategy by opening his own newsgroup online and pawning his book on every fringe radio station and online service available. For her part, Leider claims that many people will be deceived by Hazlewood and may suffer greatly for this deception.

My only question is -- don't these people know that their petty bickering means nothing when the U.S. is battling Iraq to secure the operation of a machine that allows us to travel from Earth to other places in the universe -- a stargate, if you will, like the movie and the TV show based on the movie. In a paper entitled "Saddam Hussein, The Stairway To Heaven, And The Return Of Planet X," William Henry asserts that Saddam Hussein has equated himself with the ancient Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar, by spending $550 million in the 1980s in an attempt to reconstruct Babylon to its former glory. By doing so, he believes that he can "unite the Arab world under Islam and . . . potentially pull the intellectual rug out from underneath Judaism and Christianity", whose pre-histories have their basis in Iraq. By uncovering the "true" history of humankind, Saddam will have the upper hand on the world and be able to control it not only through the "true" religion, but also with all the technology yet to be discovered.

Now, this is a damned interesting story! Let's suppose for a minute that it's true. Then the war in Iraq isn't about oil or imperialism, it's about the future - and past -- of mankind! That would help explain why some people claim the US forces in Iraq are letting the looting in Baghdad go on pretty much unabated. It would also explain why we abandoned the search for bin Laden and marched into Iraq at this point in time. With Planet X coming, we needed to have that technology secured for our own people.

Of course, that begs the question: Who will oversee the new Iraq, General Tommy Franks or Richard Dean Anderson?

Rating:

I feel like a cross between Fox Mulder ("I Want To Believe") and Homer Simpson ("Oh why won't you let me believe, Marge?") on this one - sublimely befuddled and exasperated. I'm sure there may be more planets in our solar system than we have found, and I've always been one to want to believe in the wisdom of the ancients. But all the "evidence" I've seen so far has yet to prove anything beyond my doubts. However, being a pragmatic individual, I do have my doubts about my doubts. That's why I plan to attend a year-long seminar in the Himalayas called "How To Win Fiends And Influence Sheeple." See you when the earth cracks!

What a NEAT coincidence. "Some believe this may be the comet of doom predicted by Nostradamus. Other people, namely scientists, are laughing in their beers." (Photo: antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov)

Author's Tangent: The earth has been passed recently by another heavenly body called Comet NEAT. It passed us around five months ago and when it neared the Sun in February, it caused a great solar eruption from our suntan provider. Some people on the 'Net believe this may be the comet of doom predicted by Nostradamus and that it's going to circle around the Sun and slam into us in a few weeks. Other people, namely scientists, are laughing in their beers.

A good site that concisely summarizes Sitchin's work is Jason Martell's site. This one too. Also, visit this site for more info about the possible catastrophic consequences of Planet X and for a theory about the Devil based on Sitchin's theories of the Anunnaki.

And just for fun, contact the Nibiruan Council and ask them who should govern the new Iraq.

08 September 03

Tyrone Slothrop is a former Army intelligence officer and pig impersonator currently residing in the Zone. He likes banana and egg sandwiches, the smell of Imipolex G, and is currently working on The Great American Novel, a chore which will test his resolve and dissolve his resilience.

Where Art Thou? Memories are short, so we'll make this as clear as we possibly can -- the only reason anyone signed off on Iraq is because they thought that Saddam had nukes. So where the hell are they? Well, we have some ideas and we're glad to share them with Rummy and Co. . . . . MORE	Bush and the Saudis Sittin' in a Tree... Compassionate conservatism is one thing, Dubya, but aren't you going too far? After all, the Saudis, not Saddam, were responsible for the 9/11 attacks, and blanking out the dirty parts of a probe isn't going to change that. Looks like the Arbusto kid might be going bust . . . MORE	The Spoils of War Before a bunker buster was launched, the Busheviks had already lined up a few corporations to divvy up the billion-dollar government contracts to rebuild Iraq. But there was no bidding war -- the prizes simply went to fat-cat donors. Does anyone else smell a master plan here? Arianna Huffington does . . . MORE
Directions, Anyone? Every few years. the Israelis and the Palestinians decide that they've killed each other enough, and sit back down at the table like mature adults. But guess who's coming to dinner? The Bush administration, fresh off of two wars in the Hot Zone, and flaunting a draconian civil liberties record. We smell a three-car pileup on that storied road to peace . . . MORE	Will Joseph McCarthy Rise Again? What is terrorism? How is it defined? Those same questions were once asked about communism, which was used to justify the imprisonment and execution of innocents almost as recently as half a century ago. But the bigger question is this: in that time, have we learned nothing about justice, freedom and -- especially -- hypocrisy? . . . MORE	"A Policy Poisoned By Money" You call yourself a journalist? Then we've got a man we'd like you to meet. See, while you've been busy interviewing porn stars on the O'Reilly Factor and kissing corporate ass on Lou Dobbs Moneyline, the BBC's Greg Palast has been writing books about how Katharine Harris stole your election and how Enron unplugged your lights. . . . MORE