(photo: Will Durst,WillDurst.com)

by Will Durst

Can't have the war during the Hajj.

Can't have the war during Easter.

Can't have the war during Passover (Purim, not such a big deal).

Can't have the war during the February sweeps.

Can't have the war when the moon is high. Can't have the war while the light is long.

Can't have the war when it's hot out. Can't have the war in the middle of a dust storm. Can't have the war during the rainy season (not applicable).

Can't have the war on the Christian Sabbath. Can't have the war on the Jewish Sabbath. Can't have the war on the Muslim Sabbath. Can't have the war listening to Black Sabbath.

Look, there are more important things to worry about than an oil war right now. One of them is Michael Jackson's nose. Wait, make that Michael Jackson himself. (Photo: Reuters)

Can't have the war until Hans Blix laughs out loud.

Can't have the war during most of the NCAA playoffs (the Finals nobody really cares about).

Can't have the war while George W Bush's approval rating is too low. Can't have the war until the free fall of Tony Blair's approval rating stabilizes (negotiable).

Can't have the war until the Florida orange crop is in.

Can't have the war until after the Academy Awards.

Can't have the war until Kim Jong Il starts taking his meds.

Can't have the war interfere with the third repeat of ABC's three hour special, "Michael Jackson: The Man Behind The Nose."

Can't have the war shut down the filming of "Girls Gone Wild III" on Padre Island featuring the Bush twins during spring break.

Can't have the war too close to the opening of "Matrix Reloaded." Whoa.

Can't have the war between a window of two weeks before and two weeks after Osama bin Laden's birthday.

Can't have the war until France and Germany have kissed and made up.

Can't have the war until Turkey accepts our $6 billion bribe, I mean financial aid package, and lets us play our little G. I. Joe games on their own turf.

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Can't have the war until after the Texas Rangers land safely at DFW returning from spring training.

Can't have the war until somebody from the Security Council speaks out on behalf of our little pre- emptive strike besides Spain and Bulgaria.

Can't have the war too close to Tax Day reminding all Americans exactly where their money is going.

Based on these precise scientific calculations, I predict Desert Storm II will commence at 9PM EST, Monday, March 31st and last through Thursday April 3rd. Schedule your appointments accordingly.

20 February 03

Although comedian Will Durst's official site proclaims him an "equal-opportunity offender", we like to think he's just got loads of common sense. That's probably why he's a five-time Emmy nominee. He's also host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" and a regular commentator on NPR and CNN.

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