Read my finger: I could give a fuck. see also: I Had a Dream

[by Ross Levine]

Uranium from Africa, AWOL WMDS, secret energy task force, mine safety cuts, larceny a la Halliburton, Katrina warnings, paid promotional pronouncements, scuttled Supreme Court nominees,  "Scooter," Plame & Judy, torture memos and Abu Ghraib, NSA spying, global warming cover-ups, Medicare mess-ups, Dubai port-gate -- it seems every week brings yet another appalling revelation about our team in the executive branch.  So what's next?  We'd like to hazard a few educated guesses:

1. It is revealed that right before he was shot by Dick Cheney, Harry Whittington had chided the Vice President about his daughter having more testosterone than he did.

2. Reporters learn that under a secret provision of "No Child Left Behind," minors are also being tortured at Guantanamo.

3 .  In a dumpster behind the U.N., an aerial photo of a Florida trailer park is found with the following post-it note:  "Colin, this should work for chemical weapons."

4. A transcript of the 2001 Cheney energy task force, finally leaked to the press, includes the following excerpt attributed to the Vice President and a top Exxon official:
Exxon Exxec: All the oil profits we're makin' off those poor grandmothers in California.
Cheney:  Yeah, Grandma Millie, Man.
Exxon Exxec: Yeah, now she wants her f---ing money back for all the gasoline we've jammed right up her ass for f--ing $3 a gallon!

5. A Pentagon officer comes forward to declare that Air Force planes were used to seed Hurricane Katrina in order to take public attention off Iraq.

6. A letter to President Bush from a San Diego sign company contains the following question: "Certainly, Mr. President, but do you really want us to spell it 'Mishion Acomplished'?"

7. A memo leaked from Attorney General Gonzales's office includes the following explanation: "To qualify as a civil war, 80% of the local population must be organ-damaged or dead."

8. A man in North Carolina claims that Paul Wolfowitz sold him five decks of most-wanted Iraqi playing cards on eBay for $10,000 each.

9. An A.P. story says the Bush Administration ended its rainbow alert system because fundamentalist Christian groups felt it was too gay.

10. A Senate panel discovers that the principal source of pre-war intelligence on Iraq was James Frey.

11. The New York Times reports that the winner of the Iranian anti-Semitic cartoon contest was Karl Rove with a picture of Jack Abramoff nailing George Bush to a cross.

12. A voting machine loaded with Kerry votes is found encased in concrete at the bottom of the Ohio River.

13. The public learns that the White House approved a secret deal for the Saudis to buy Las Vegas when Cirque de Soleil premieres "O"-PEC at the Mirage.

14. In his 2007 State of the Union address, President Bush asserts that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge has "recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

15. The public finds out that Laura Bush is being treated for depression and has been ordering her Elavil from Canada.

16. The following words are discovered scratched into the wall of a cave in Afghanistan: "Close but no cigar! "

March 03, 2006

Toon Town
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Hyper-Famous Amos
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Cock and Bulls
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The Plame Game
Alberto Gonzales is now withholding Plame emails from the Fitzgerald investigation. Is anyone surprised? MORE

Bubble Economy
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Colour Her Listenable
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Keeping It Sane
Before he passed, Bill Hicks was committed to speaking truth to insanity. A new DVD shows we need him more than ever: MORE

Blinded By Science?
We are Scientists channel today's retro vibe well enough. But do they have enough finesse to outlive it? MORE

Something in My Toe
"But one can never be sure about anything. And that is the one thing I've always been sure about:" MORE

Legitimacy
Speeches aside, the more the Bush administration takes care of the State of the Union, the worse it seems to get: MORE

Moving Backward
The gaze-hop of Dalek has broken borders. Why the world is still conservative is another story: MORE

1926-2005
The year that was created many casualties. But none as tragic as the underrated blues giant RL Burnside: MORE

New York New York
True Crime New York City was rushed too fast to make the holiday cha-ching. But was the hustle worth it? MORE

Victory?
The Bush administration likes to use that word a lot, but still doesn't seem to have a concrete idea for what it means: MORE