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 Ice
Cube 
 "There
was some-thing truly visceral about Cube's voice that made his ever-present snarl that much more serious. As he barked on Death Certificate and Amerikkka's, he was the nigga you love to hate as well as the wrong one to fuck with."  "Even
though Sonic Youth grabbed Cobain by his hypodermic
needles and helped foist him into the spotlight, alterna-fans
du jour didn't return the favor when the New York
noisemakers lobbed this bottom-soaked missile their
direction." "People
are more aware of the world that they want to live in,
and now they have to realize that they can actually
create that world and fight for the things that are
worth fighting for and not feel apathetic. We are all
going to die. There is no point in holding anything
back."
 "There's
a scene in Richard Link-later's Waking Life
where the protagonist crouches down to read a note
in the street that says, 'Look to your right,' which
he does, only to come face to face with a speeding
car aiming right for his head. That's what it's like
to listen to Mars Volta's De-loused in the Comatorium
for the first time."
 "Well,
well, well. President George was in one hell of bind
when it turned that that Saudi Arabia funded Al Qaeda,
not Iraq. Realizing we'd invaded the wrong country,
Bush did the honorable thing: he's come out against
gay marriages."
 "'When
it comes to learning from its mistakes, corporate
America has fallen off the rehab wagon more times
than Robert Downey, Jr. A quick glance at last
week's papers reveals that it's monkey business
as usual on Wall Street."
 "By
the time this page fully loads, Guided By
Voices' Robert Pollard will have probably
composed, performed, mixed and pressed yet
another tightly coiled pop-rock nugget."
 "Unless
his friends and neighbors turn bitch and
completely bail on him, the hyperskilled
Lyrics Born will be here later this day,
that day or whatever day, until he's too
old to physically rhyme or sing anymore.
In that, perhaps he can take some solace,
dropping that baggage off at the door in
the process."
 "There
is no doubt in my mind -- and in this
I seem to have a lot of company -- that
Transatlanticism is Death Cab For
Cutie's best album so far, not bad for
a group that's been professionally plugging
away for just over four years now. And
there is also no doubt that Ben Gibbard
is one of pop music's finest talents.
."
 "There
is no one thing to know in Lord of
the Rings more important than the
fact that everything is disappearing,
and disappearing fast. Jackson's final
film in his peerless trilogy tenaciously
latches onto this theme and never lets
go." |
by Ross Levine Well, I've been asked to cart my crystal ball from the closet again for a prescient peek at what awaits us in this not-yet-stale new year. Actually, if I did have a crystal ball, it would be gathering bids on eBay as we speak, and not for any pecuniary purpose. Looking into the future can give you ulcers, and, as human affairs don't seem to change much anyway, why suffer over them anymore than you have to? War, murder, duplicity, greed -- is clairvoyance really necessary? Nevertheless, I suppose I can stick my neck out on a few sure bets and some pseudo-educated guesses for 2004, and here they are, from the more certain to the less: 1. No weapons of mass destruction will be found in Iraq. 2. More young Americans, however, will die in Iraq, and our leaders will keep saying it's for platitudes, not petroleum. If only it were for petroleum, perhaps our dead soldiers of tomorrow could die for something useful instead of a bunch of gibberish about bringing democracy to three warring tribes lumped together 80 years ago by the British.
3. Michael Jackson will go on trial for child molesting, but will find himself convicted of a much more heinous crime: ethnic cleansing. 4. Israel, despite ongoing promises to dismantle the West Bank settlements, will continue to build its "fence." After all, the Jews have a Wailing Wall, why shouldn't the Palestinians? In fact, the Jews have an independent state, why shouldn't the -- never mind. 5. Cunard's new super-scow, the Queen Mary 2 (AKA "The Hummer of the Sea"), will survive its maiden voyage in mid-January from Southampton to Fort Lauderdale, though all passengers with last names ending in "Berg" will be refused passage as potential terrorists. 6. The price that we Americans are paying for gasoline will finally fall to $2.50 a gallon. In Iraq, that is. 7. A few more mixed-race octogenarians will show up to claim the late Senator James Strom Thurmond as their father. The Thurmond family tree, a birch for 200 years, will begin to look more like a copper beech. 8. The nation's Gross National Product will rise precipitously. No, it's not the economy, stupid, but the obesity rate. On a related note, the present dietary disdain for carbohydrates will fall out of vogue, as more and more cows turn up mad. You'd be pissed, too, if you were forced into cannibalism.
9. The Episcopalian Church will slide closer toward schism as the controversy over the ordination of Gene Robinson continues to rub conservative congregations the wrong way. Things heat up again when Robinson decides he wants to marry his partner in the church with the following ditty as part of the ceremony: "And here's to you, Reverend Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know, wo, wo, wo, God bless you please, Reverend Robinson, Heaven holds a place for those who're gay, Hey, hey, hey…" This proves the last straw and the church is cleaved in two, with Episcops on one side, Alians on the other. You decide for yourselves which point of view belongs in outer space. 10. Scott Peterson will go on trial in California and, unlike many murderers of his ilk, will be found guilty. At his sentencing hearing, he will beg not for forgiveness but for everyone to stop referring to him as a fertilizer salesman. 11. Even more stringent security measures will be applied to foreign nationals attempting to enter the United States. Not only will they be photographed and fingerprinted, but they will all have to pass through a central interrogation station in Guantanamo. According to the Department of Homeland Security, foreign travelers will have to factor in an extra five to ten years for their U.S. visitations. 12. Saddam Hussein will be tried in Baghdad for a litany of crimes, including lying repeatedly about having weapons of mass destruction. During the trial, it will be revealed that an American publishing house has purchased the rights to his autobiography -- Ace in the Hole -- for 24 million dollars. 13. The U.S. Supreme Court will surprise everyone by hearing an appeal of a federal court decision upholding the redrawing of Texas congressional districts by the state's Republican-controlled legislature. As the Court's conservative majority leans toward sanctioning the controversial power-grab, its four more progressive justices will flee across the Potomac to deprive their colleagues of a required quorum. Federal troops commandeered by House Majority Leader Tom DeLay will find the AWOL bench-warmers in a Virginia cave and humiliate them by forcing them to floss their teeth on television.
14. By the end of the year, everyone President Bush has appointed to the Environmental Protection Agency will have resigned. They will all cite personal reasons, but it will be revealed that difficult working conditions at EPA headquarters were responsible for the mass exodus, including mercury in the building's ventilation system, arsenic in its water fountains and snowmobiles creating a hazard in the hallways. 15. Conan the Governor will lose his spring plebiscite authorizing California to balance its budget by borrowing billions more. This will edge the tax-terminating Republican toward the unthinkable -- raising taxes -- with a female reporter calling him Arnold Grayenegger to his face. She'll be found the next day in a capitol mensroom with her face in a urinal. 16. Saudi Arabia, responding to pressures from the West, will take action to improve the lives of women in the Kingdom. They will now be allowed to enter the world naked. 17. The Bush Administration will further revamp overtime rules so that the number of hours a worker works becomes subject to the theory of relativity. To put it in layman's terms, a wage-earner who seems to be at his or her job for more than eight hours a day is in reality sliding so quickly towards poverty that the eight hours has been slowed to only five, thus eliminating the overtime.
18. Ford will come out with a hybrid SUV for the '05 model year. Its initially brisk sales will drop dramatically when purchasers of the new, prominently labeled "Expedition H" discover that they no longer get angry stares from the drivers of passenger cars, apparently one of the most important reasons for owning an SUV in the first place. 19. At Easter time, President Bush will again pull a fast one on the press and public by making yet another secret holiday trip. He will spend nearly two hours in South Central Los Angeles. 20. North Korea will conduct its first test of a nuclear bomb, and the Bush Administration will respond by putting Kim Jong Il on the Federal Do Not Call list. 21. Pakistani president-for-life Pervez Musharraf will survive another five or six attempts on his life, becoming a more enlightened leader with every close call. By the time he's finally assassinated, Pakistanis will actually miss him. 22. Construction will begin on the 9/1l memorial at Ground Zero despite criticism that the memorial's design sugarcoats the horrendous reality of the 2001 terrorist attack. Reflecting pools, cascading waterfalls, meditative plazas -- one official will be heard to remark, "Gee, it's like turning the Nazi crematories into a model kitchen." 23. At the convention in New York this coming summer, the Republican platform will finally acknowledge the possibility that evolution may exist. Even the Republicans realize that if the party of Lincoln could become today's GOP, then surely an ape can turn into a man.
24. The Democrats will choose a Presidential candidate. They want Lieberman, but will be loath to nominate a Republican. 25. And no, it won't be Howard Dean, especially once his records as governor of Vermont are released and it's discovered that he once authorized the use of chemical weapons against New Hampshire. He will then be forced to cede his candidacy to another Democrat mutually agreed upon by the party leadership. The only individual acceptable to all will be Walter Mondale. In his first debate with George W. Bush, Mondale will tell his opponent, "Mr. President, you're not even a Dan Quayle." Or consider this -- Election Day, November, 2004 -- once again the nation will be holding its breath for returns from Florida. The Dem and Dubya are locked in a dead electoral heat, with Florida set to decide the winner all over again. Kate Harris is fluttering her eyelashes, Jim Baker's ready to spring into action, Bush is in the White House choking on pretzels, the Supremes are biting their 90 nails and Palm Beach Democrats have butterflies again, though this time only in their stomachs. Finally the remaining returns come in, and it's a tie, except for one last missing vote. Meanwhile, at the edge of Homosassa hot springs, Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly are grappling over the last "precious" ballot. O'Reilly grabs it and is about to see who it's for when -- oops -- he loses his fair and balanced footing and plummets into the bubbling water, letting go of the ballot which is swallowed by a hungry manatee. The beast is captured and Republicans want it dissected -- the hell with the Endangered Species Act! -- while Democrats prefer to wait for the ballot to emerge in its own good time. But a PETA operative secretly frees the creature before the issue gets resolved, and there's no choice but for the election to be decided in the House of Fixed Representatives. And that, dear friends, means four more years of trickle-down stupidity, tax cuts for the loaded, environmental degradation, pre-emptive war, useless terror alerts . . . Don't like the future? Change it. Please. 03 February 03 Ross M. Levine is an author, Marcel Proust marathoner and manatee-hugger who feels safer on the edge; i.e., in New York or California. He agrees with the King of Brobdingnag that we're "the most pernicious race of odious vermin to crawl the surface of the Earth." He thinks Americans have too much freedom -- fries, that is.
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