"Word comes that brother Cat Stevens refuses to lend his support to our virtuous jihad. May this turncoat's Peace Train be laden with explosives and rammed into the Mountain of Mohammed, peace be upon him. "
"The idea -- if we may use so flattering a term -- was that the Pentagon would monitor the site and the betting, and thus get a jump on terrorist acts to come. After all, as the theory goes (and never mind the whole dot.com fiasco), if people are willing to put money on something, they must have a pretty good idea what they're doing."
"There's some thing in our psyche, this kind of right or privilege to resolve our conflicts with violence. There's an arrogance to that concept. To actually have to sit down and talk, to listen, to compromise, that's hard work. To go for the gun, that's the cowardly act."
by Ross Levine
25. Homosexuals, having won the right to marry, might next demand the right to reproduce, resulting in the birth of nine queer babies for every normal one.
24. Family courts would become even more crowded, making it harder for men and women to legally divorce so that they can continue sanctifying the institution of marriage.
23. "Here comes the bride" would have to be changed to "Here comes Girlfriend."
22. In Utah, it will be hard to tell if the ten men living together next door are roommates or polygamists.
21. If two male Jews get married, instead of breaking a glass to symbolize the loss of virginity, they would have to stomp on a tube of toothpaste.
20. Gays and lesbians would start demanding even more special privileges, such as the right to be treated as human beings.
19. The armed forces would be compelled to alter its "Don't ask, don't tell" policy and allow openly gay soldiers to be blown apart in Iraq.
18. The term "gay divorcee" would lose its whimsical charm.
17. The really butch lesbian girls would have an unfair advantage in catching bridal bouquets.
16. Banquet hall rental rates in chichi urban areas would skyrocket, as would male stripper fees, since their services would now be required at many bachelor parties.
15. Speaking of bachelors, there would be more of them -- and old maids, too -- as many gays would no longer feel obliged to marry unattractive members of the opposite sex.
14. Prisons may see a downswing in "cell"-ibacy as convicts are emboldened to legitimize their anti-social impulses.
13. Married gays engaging in promiscuous sex would also be guilty of adultery and would thus add thousands of years to their eternal damnation.
12. With both straight and gay men wearing wedding bands, women may not know a married heterosexual not to be tampered with from a lost gay soul in need of conversion; by the same token, men, too, may not recognize an off-limits heterosexual wife from a lesbian requiring a transformative encounter.
11. There will a lot more weddings to have to go to.
10. Priests, ministers and rabbis would be forced to say, "I now pronounce you top and bottom."
9. Couples would be registering for gifts at pornographic bookshops.
8. Many men would marry just for the chance to put on a white dress.
7. Sexually confused young girls would be emboldened to attend their debutante balls in overalls.
6. At the end of the wedding ceremony, a groom might bypass his beloved's finger and slip the ring directly onto his nipple, followed by: "You may now spank the bride."
5. Wedding cakes could take on phallic and clitoral proportions, not to mention the possibility of genital ice sculptures.
4. People might get the mistaken impression that every fag dropping to his knees in front of another is proposing marriage.
3. Moral, upstanding parents might find out in the same moment that their child is a homo and that they have to pay for a wedding.
2. Simply telling friends that your son or daughter is married would no longer be enough to allay their suspicions.
1. Although nobody, obviously, has yet been able to do a study on this, if gays are allowed to get married and live fulfilling and contented lives, it will certainly be much harder to convince them that they're immoral perverts who should really spend their days trying to be just like the rest of us.
10 December 03
Ross M. Levine is an author, Marcel Proust marathoner and manatee-hugger who feels safer on the edge; i.e., in New York or California. He agrees with the King of Brobdingnag that we're "the most pernicious race of odious vermin to crawl the surface of the Earth." He thinks Americans have too much freedom -- fries, that is.
Copyright 2001-2003, Morphizm.com. All Rights Reserved.