The strange love of war and profit. READ MORE, HURT LESS: Votejacking: Stealing Ohio Brave New (Urban) World

[by Ross Levine]

I thought I was fine when I went to bed.  I was listening to the news from the Middle East and then suddenly it was morning and I was waking up and I don't know, I just felt a little hezbollah.

At first I shrugged it off as mosul pain, nothing too syria, but when I looked in the mirror, my face was a green zone, these huge baghdads under my eyes.  I thought I needed to eat, so I decided to kirkuk an olmert, eggs sunni-side up, smothered in abu ghraib.  I tried to likud my plate clean, thinking that was the ramadi, but halfway through, I started to gaza. 

I ran to the baathist room, but just couldn't golan; even my katusha was hurting.  I went into the living room to sidon awhile, but I still felt only haifa alive, that's how tyre I was.  It kurd to me I might need a doctor, so I called her, but shia was out.  So iraq my brain thinking what to do, asking myself, wahabbi done to feel this way?

I thought maybe I had ahmadinejad the whole thing, so I decided to jihad around the block and snap out of it before I felt any sadr. I went tehran out of my house and noticed all these people al jazeering at me.  That's when I realized I was completely beirut. 

Damascus! I thought. They must think I'm a sect fiend. 

Iran toward home but a copt called out to me. I said yassir and he asked for my IED and started to write me a tikrit.  Then he accused me of a litani of crimes, like I was part of some criminal karbala, and declared he was taking me in.  I said that's a disproportionate response, and that made him really PLOed, so I tried to blame it on the Jews. 

He said he'd had najaf and handcuffed me, the little basra.  All joking assad, I begged for mercy but he called me a fouad and locked me in a sleeper cell.  I sent a kabul to my lawyer who said the police haditha charge me or let me go. Ayatollah my captors this; they said I was fallujah it.  Then they took out their WMDs, pointed them at my fatwa and threatened to leave me in hamas grave.

I said to myself, I can't believe this israeli happening to me.

And that's when I woke up.  The news from the Middle East was still blaring from the television.  I turned it off and made sure I pulled out the plug.

I feel much better now.

August 3, 2006

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