THE KNIGHT BEFORE CONGRESS

[by Ross Levine]

T'is about a knight before Congress, and I'll make the tale short,
It involves the President, the Senate and Supreme Court,
It started when Sandra Day O'Connor retired,
And Bush proposed to the country that John Roberts be hired.

The Senate quibbled over whether to toast or to roast,
And that's just when old Rehnquist surrendered his ghost.
Then Bush, acting with the aplomb of Augustus,
Decided that Roberts should instead be Chief Justice.

The Senate asked him some questions, his answers were few,
They swore him in anyway without further ado,
Some hurricanes happened and took over the wires,
Until Bush introduced us to Harriet Miers.

Her makeup was suspect, her views beyond ken,
We learned the next day how she'd been born again,
The left wing was baffled – she gave money to Gore?
Civil rights, abortion – whose side is she for?

But the right wing was livid, and called Bush a phony,
They felt betrayed that he promoted a crony,
For folks like Frum and Buchanan, Miers was no panacea,
After all Bush had promised another Scalia!

And so when it came time for the Senate to advise and consent
,It was the conservatives oddly who refused to relent,
They prodded and probed at Ms. Miers all day,
Until the poor nominee – part Katharine Harris, part Tammy Faye –

Broke down and cried until her optic décor,
Ran all the way from her eyes to the floor.
"OK, I'm gay!,” was the statement she made,
"And I don't think I can say no to Roe versus Wade!"

And with that, her chances of being approved,
Were from the realm of the possible completely removed,
When it came to the vote, Arlen Spector looked weary,
The nays came from all sides, and no one was teary.

In the White House, Bush, pissed, said, "I won't pick a sub,
I'm staying the course, or my name, it ain't Dub!"
But O'Connor said, "Sorry, I just cannot stay,
You have to replace me, there's no other way."

So in a terrible quandary and feeling maligned,
Bush gathered his minions to make up his mind,
The Oval Office came under an ominous hush,
There was no time for Crawford, no more clearing brush.

And then, a week later, our leader emerged,
He stammered and scowled, then his energy surged,
"I'm proud to announce a new nominee,
This one's a shoe-in, I know y'all will agree!"

Only he wouldn't divulge who the candidate was,
Leaving the entire nation completely abuzz,
Even Scott McClellan kept tight as a clam,
The Democrats said it must be a sham,

The Republicans, too, were excreting a brick,
Hoping it wasn't another Souter-esque trick,
Was it Gonzales, or Ashcroft, or J. Rogers Brown,
Pricilla Owens or K. Rove of renown?

At last came the day new hearings convened,
The Senators edgy, and feeling demeaned,
Bush himself came on over to Capitol Hill,
You could hear a pin land, it was so utterly still,

"I'm here," said George Bush, "to intro my guy,
I'm sure you'll concur my standards are high."
And with that he turned and waved to the rear,
Some long seconds passed, and then did appear,

At first in the shadows, then into the glare,
A figure clad in but white underwear,
Unshaven, world-weary, a knight bound with a chain,
None other, of course, than Saddam Hussein.

The rest doesn't need to be recounted now,
Suffice it to say it's still not clear how,
A once-hated dictator could end up on the bench,
Though no matter his votes, at least he's not French...

04 October 05