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 Ice
Cube 
 "It's
a tried and true way of dealing with people or nations that the
ruling elite finds troublesome or inconvenient -- whoever gets in
our way. They're simply lumped into the enemy pile. "
 "You
need gas money and a car that works. Of course, my preference is
to do it in the middle of the night! Leave them little presents,
you know what I'm saying? Like the Easter bunny." "The
surreal-ists wouldn't know what to do with Harvey Birdman. Its ingenious brand of adult animation owes as much to absurdists like Ionesco and Duchamp as it does to Bugs Bunny."  "Word
comes that brother Cat Stevens refuses to lend his support
to our virtuous jihad. May this turncoat's Peace Train be
laden with explosives and rammed into the Mountain of Mohammed,
peace be upon him." "It
is often that we find a corp-orate-controlled president who widens the gap between rich and poor and is involved in nefarious military adventures abroad in the White House, but this goofball is off the scale."  "
I think art and politics are directly related to each other,
and people that deny the cross-influence are kidding themselves."
 "I
wouldn't call it con-fidence or command, more like an overwhelming desire or drive to perform. Because I am a performer, I think, first and foremost. I am a teller of tales, and I want other people to hear."  "Carbs
are the new terrorists. Bread is the new Bin Laden. I can't
wait to order a low-carb veggie Whopper. People are pathetic."
 "I'm
glad the major labels have dwindled to a few, because
they still to this day turn out music that's more or less
all about the money. But whatever -- I understand their
job is to sell product. That's what they do. There are
some good bands that come out on major labels, but the
majority of it is crap."
 "I
crawled out of the car through the sunroof and peered
into the linear glow of homeward-bound automobiles. People
began to shout, frustrated and immobilized in their synthetic
shells."
 "When
I do watch TV, everyone seems preoccupied with partying,
getting laid, materialism and the rest, and I can't help
but think of the band playing on the Titanic as the ship
is sinking." |
If Presidents Were Popes... by Ross Levine ...they would remain in office until death. Once he or she died, the body would be laid out in the Oval Office. The Vice President would announce the President's passing to the nation, and then take physical possession of the Presidential seal, which the Vice President would then proceed to smash with the heel of his or her shoe. Then the White House would be draped in black; Cristo might be hired for this if available. Now it would be up to Congress to elect a new President. If they're not already there, the Senators and Representatives would make their way back to Washington, D.C. to pay their last respects to the dead President, now lying in state in the Capitol rotunda. The President's body would be clothed in Founding Father attire, with a powdered wig placed upon the head. After lying in state, the President would be buried in the Rose Garden in a coffin big enough to hold all the money given to him or her by special interests. The money must be in small denominations so as not to give any impression of impropriety; this may necessitate a rather large casket. Nine days of official mourning would then begin. All government offices would be closed, there'd be no mail and air traffic control would be left to chance. No Social Security or Medicare checks would be issued; the public must feel the loss. Once the mourning period ends, Congress would convene to choose the new President. Unless they themselves were on their death beds, every Congressperson would have to participate. There would be three ways to elect the next President: By inspiration, meaning the decision is unanimous, all the members of Congress would shout the name of the new leader aloud and in unison. This would never happen. By compromise, meaning all would agree to accept a candidate chosen by the top five individuals from each party. Also not very likely. By ballot. With #3 likely to be the most common method, the new President must receive a 2/3 vote in both houses. Since this is not always easy for a candidate to achieve, Congress would be locked up in the Capitol until a decision were reached. Each Senator and Representative would be sequestered in their Congressional office with one attendant who we suspect, in most instances, would not be the Congressperson's spouse. What happens now would be kept strictly confidential, as in no embedded reporters. Everything coming in and out of the Capitol would be strictly monitored. The Senators and Representatives would be put on a very strict diet, something they're probably not used to -- bread and water -- in other words, until they elect a new President, they would have to live like the majority of their constituents. During this period, the members of Congress would be clad in black mourning robes, with which they may wear a big green ski parka and cowboy boots for warmth. From the time they have been informed of the President’s death, to the time a new President is elected, they would be forbidden to wear anything indicative of their rank, and must also refrain from accepting campaign contributions (unless the amounts are under $10,000). They would also be sworn not to discuss with outsiders the goings on inside the Capitol. The actual balloting would take place in the Supreme Court building. The nine chairs belonging to the Justices would be draped in red, white and blue velvet. Each member of Congress would write the name of his or her choice for President on a ballot, then drop the ballot into Abe Lincoln's stovepipe hat, brought out from the National Archives for this purpose. At the other end of the Supreme Court building would be a stone fireplace carved with the 10 Commandments. It is in this fireplace that the ballot papers would be burned so that the crowds thronging the Washington Mall might watch for smoke rising into the air. If no candidate receives the required 2/3 vote, the ballots would be put aside and another vote taken. If this second vote were to fail, both sets of ballots would be mixed with sludge from the Potomac River and burned; the resultant fumes, black and toxic, would inform the crowd that a new President had not been elected.
Each ballot bears the words: "I elect as Commander-in-Chief the esteemed American and God-fearing so and so.” Each Congressperson would punch out a hole next to the name of his or her candidate making sure not to leave a hanging chad. The ballot would then be folded and the members of Congress would, one by one in order of seniority, of course, step lively up to Lincoln’s hat, placed on a table before the nine sitting Justices of the Supreme Court. Each Congressperson in turn would kneel and pray for our democracy a moment before rising, holding up the ballot for all to see, and proclaiming: “I call to witness before these nine Justices that I am electing the one whom God told me ought to be elected.” The Congressperson would then place the ballot inside the hat and return to his or her seat. When all votes are cast, and any sick Congresspeople have had their ballots delivered via a ballot box carried by three of their own, the ballots would be dumped out of Lincoln's hat in front of the nine Justices who act as scrutiners. The first reads each ballot aloud, passes it to the second, and so on to the Chief Justice, who keeps the tally. If no candidate receives the required 2/3 vote, all immediately vote again, with each and every Congressperson having the right to change their vote. If this second ballot fails, the sludge and burn routine would ensue. A total of four ballots are permitted each day, two in the morning, two in the afternoon, which means, on unsuccessful days, Washington might have to issue a smog alert. As a safeguard, ballot-related notes -- including the Chief Justice’s tally sheet -- would not be burned but gathered together and placed in a sealed envelope which, like the records of a certain energy commission, cannot be opened without the express permission of the reigning President. Once the members of Congress were locked away in the Supreme Court building, they would be free to openly discuss the various candidates, their abilities and connections, and any unseemly details of their past. They would be allowed to sway their fellow politicians to vote with them through any and all means available -- untruths, personal attacks, threats of physical violence, torture (unless it results in death or organ damage) – basically anything at all. The above, along with the inability to leave the building, the starvation diet, and the overbearing presence of their colleagues, would soon convince even Congress to act. When they have finally selected a new President by a 2/3 majority, the ballots are combined with a clean, dry copy of the Constitution and burned, the product of which is a plume of pure white smoke. With the assistance of the media, the nation now recognizes that a successor has been chosen. And who is eligible to be President? Although he or she will usually be a wealthy male white Ivy League lawyer or failed oilman, the members of Congress may elect anyone President, as long as they are American and can sign their name (for that matter, an “X” will do). Once the balloting has proven successful, the chairs of the Justices would be undraped, and, outside on a public platform, the Chief Justice would present him or herself before the newly elected President and ask whether the candidate accepts the job. If the President-elect lays his hand on the Bible and says yes, it’s hard work, but he or she wants the gig, then they become the new President. The Chief Justice then asks the new President what name he would like -- FDR, LBJ, Tricky Dick, W – that sort of thing. Escorted by the Senate Majority Leader and the Speaker of the House, the new President returns to the White House where three sets of clothes await – large, medium and small. If the President fits into the small outfit, the economy will shrink but inflation will be negligible. If the large, the economy will grow but prices will skyrocket. If the medium outfit fits, the economy will stagnate. If no outfit is suitable, the new President will conduct business without clothes, though all will pretend that he or she is fully garbed. Once the fashion issue is dispensed with, all the members of Congress, again in order of seniority, would line up to approach the new President and kiss either the President’s right or left hand, depending on their political ideology. (And depending on the new President’s ideology, he or she would choose beforehand which hand to wash and which to dab with excrement.) Finally, the new President would be given a brand new Presidential seal by the Vice President. This is a purely symbolic act, since the President would no longer be required to document his or her executive edicts. Outside the White House, in the Mall, the faithful would be waiting expectantly for the new President to appear. At last the White House doors would open to the Rose Garden and the Vice President would step forth. He or she would introduce the new President as follows: “I announce to you a great step forward for civilization – we have a new democratically elected President! The most eminent and revered President, embodiment of liberty and freedom. God bless America!” A roar would rise from the crowd, which would then become totally silent and sink to its collective knees. The President, most likely naked, would then appear in a helicopter above the Mall and wave.
A few days later, the Capitol would be mobbed as the new President enters the building to speak before a joint session of Congress. As the President approaches the podium, he or she halts three times. At each halt, a one-dollar bill is lit on fire, to symbolize that the President cannot be bought (at least not for such a modest sum). The Speaker of the House approaches the President and says, “Great President, never forget that you are a mere mortal, even though, in defense of our divine and superior nation, you will always act in God’s name.” With that, the President makes a speech full of impossible promises, grandiose ideals and outright lies. Upon completion of the speech, those in the crowd lucky enough to be able to see would watch as the Vice President, Speaker, Senate Majority Leader and the President's spouse place the crown of righteousness atop his or her head. This would be the same crown that George Washington refused to wear when he became the nation’s first President, but some traditions are worth breaking. With the crown in place, the crowd shouts, “Long live the President!,” as the new leader’s transition team lifts its boss into the air and carries him or her back into the White House pledged to spread the American faith across the world. 22 April 05 Ross M. Levine is an author, Marcel Proust marathoner and manatee-hugger who feels safer on the edge; i.e., in New York or California. He agrees with the King of Brobdingnag that we're "the most pernicious race of odious vermin to crawl the surface of the Earth." He thinks Americans have too much freedom -- fries, that is. 
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