Telltale Signs of a Persistent Vegetative State...

by Ross Levine

...In a Commander-in-Chief:

* Flying unnecessarily to Washington, D.C. to sign a bill when fuel is in such short supply we must drill for it in ANWR

* Appointing John Bolton to the U.N.

* Calling war and occupation the best ways to spread peace and freedom

*Pattering on about a Social Security crisis when 40 million Americans lack health insurance

* Paying pundits hundreds of thousands in taxpayer money to compliment your ideas

* Converting a massive surplus to a massive deficit

* Selling arms to dictators with nuclear weapons while threatening dictators without nuclear weapons

* Supporting unconstitutional amendments to the Constitution

In a Vice President:

* Attending a Holocaust memorial ceremony dressed as Grizzly Adams

* Initially supporting the war in Iraq as a potential boon to florists

* Expressing outrage over the “outing” of your out daughter while your wife writes steamy lesbian sex scenes

* Telling voters that they will probably die if they elect your opponents

In a ruling party:

* Believing that life begins and ends in Congress

* Granting oneself the power of judicial review

* Demanding punishment for a lack of ethics except among your own

* Proclaiming the sanctity of life while confirming attorney generals who believe torture is limited to organ damage and death

* Holding hearings on steroids and pop singer breasts while ignoring runaway deficits, unaffordable medicine, oil dependence, etc.

* Insisting you’re the party of less government and individual rights while ballooning the government and thwarting individual rights

In an opposition party:

* Supporting unconstitutional amendments to the Constitution

* Expressing an opinion only by not expressing an opinion

* Running an anti-war hero candidate as a war hero candidate

* Making your motto “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”

* Joe Lieberman and Zell Miller

* Opposing unconstitutional amendments to the Constitution by supporting unconstitutional amendments to state constitutions

In a country:

* All of the above. Will someone please have the Saudis extract our feeding tube?

07 April 04

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