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Frequently
Asked Questions About the War on Iraq
by
Will Durst
Q. So what's the
deal with Saddam? He still alive?
A. Apparently the Iraqi Strongman escaped with his life from a Coalition
attack two hours before
his 48 hours to get out of Dodge were up. Kind of a pre-empting
of the pre-emptive thing going on here.
Q. Isn't that cheating?
A. All's fair in love and war. A Texas twist on the old Godfather Conundrum:
is it better to be feared than loved? "Who cares. String 'em up."
Q. So how come in
his exclusive interview, Dan Rather didn't take Saddam out?
A. When you're right, you're right. Dan is what, 80 years old now? Time
to take one for the team, old man. Should have shot
yourself up with some anthrax and breathed on the Butcher of
Baghdad. Talk about an exclusive interview.
The
real thing? "Apparently the Iraqi Strongman
escaped with his life from a Coalition attack two hours before
his 48 hours to get out of Dodge were up. Kind of a pre-empting
of the pre-emptive thing going on here." |
Q. Does the State
Department suspect the photo of Saddam meeting with his command staff
was pre-recorded?
A. No one is really sure, but spectral computer analysis seems to indicate
he's wearing a "Members Only" jacket with an Alf patch on the right
sleeve.
Q. The networks
didn't even wait the normal three-day mourning period before interrupting
the war for commercials. What's up with that?
A. I think the feeling is, "Hey, patriotism
and solemnity are all fine and good and all, but we got to make some
money here."
Q. Is CBS's decision
to continue showing the NCAA Basketball Tournament having any effect
on the other networks?
A. All the coverage seems designed to specifically look like a playoff
game, with logos and theme songs and game plans. "You're looking live
at downtown Basra, Iraq, where the coalition forces are squaring off
against the upset minded Hordes of Hussein. There's the coin toss and
Hussein elects to receive. And receive. And receive."
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Q. Don't you keep
expecting John Madden to show up with his video chalk stick?
A.Yeah, I'm surprised ABC hasn't trotted him out as an expert analyst.
"See, here's where the Republican Guard has to plug the line. Bam. Bam.
Bam. Wait a minute, Hussein punts on first down, he is a madman."
Q. What do you make
of the reports that certain administration
staffers are talking about continuing this Mideast liberation campaign
in Iran?
A. George W Bush needs an intern.
19 March 03
 Although
comedian Will
Durst's official site proclaims him an "equal-opportunity
offender", we like to think he's just got loads of common sense.
That's probably why he's a five-time Emmy nominee. He's also host/co-producer
of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" and a regular commentator
on NPR and CNN.
 The
Bottom Line
Here's a hard question for the war hawks. Just where
exactly is Dick Cheney? After all, he was cozy with
Saddam as recently as a few years ago. Arianna Huffington
-- and millions of inquiring minds not ready for another
oil war -- would like to know . . . MORE
|
 Replacement
Killers
Saddam Hussein is about to get his ass kicked out
of Iraq and the United States is poring through its list
of misguided puppets to lord over the nation's crude oil largesse.
But who should be in charge of New Iraq? One word: Aniston
. . . MORE
|
 The
Empire Strikes Again (and Again)
Who's beaneath the hood, Senator Palpatine or President
Bush? It's getting harder to tell these days, especially
when an increasing number of uninformed Americans believe
that the Iraqis were behind September 11th. Yeah,
it's that bad . . . MORE
|
 The
Spoils of War
Before a bunker buster was launched, the Busheviks
had already lined up a few corporations to divvy up
the billion-dollar government contracts to rebuild
Iraq. But there was no bidding war -- the prizes simply
went to fat-cat donors. Does anyone else smell a master
plan here? Arianna Huffington does . . . MORE
|
 The
Gunfight at the Iraqi Corral
With terms like "cowboy" and "outlaw"
being thrown America's way from, well, just about everyone,
now's the time to pitch the Western that the Bush
dynasty has been filming for two decades. After all, you can't trust
wimps like "old Europe" to deliver justice
at the end of a barrel . . . MORE
|
 Name
That Regime!
They've greedily sold chemical weapons with but one purpose
in mind: to kill as many humans as possible at once. Plus,
they've imprisoned thousands of their citizens up without
due process. So exactly who are these civil liberty
party animals? . . . MORE
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