Trent Apologizes. Again and Again.

by Will Durst

Poor Trent Lott. Those damn Democrats are laying into him like a pack of hopped-up Chihuahas on a stray Snausage snack. Simply for saying out loud what he's obviously fervently believed for 54 years: that America would be way better off if Strom Thurmond's presidential bid on the Anti-Segregationist Dixiecrat ticket had been successful.

Of course, it wasn't until about 7 days later the Asleep At The Wheel Party realized Lott had semantically argued segregation was good, and the crap hit the fan. So he apologized four times. Had to. Nobody could understand the first three because they were muffled by his hood. "What are you talking about, I like black people, how much for that one? No, not the uppity one. That shuffler there."

But this was serious. So serious, Bush was forced to weigh in: "There's no room in the Republican Party for racists." Gosh, I knew there were a lot of them, I didn't think all the slots were full. Must be an affirmative action program. Go to J.C. Watts' office, and take a number. Lott's defense was he was just trying to make an elderly gentleman feel good. Who knew Jefferson Davis was still alive?

Then the Trentster back-tracked saying it was a mistake of the mouth not of the heart. What Does That Mean? It's like saying a turtle's failure to fly was a mistake of the head not of the wings. See, because a turtle doesn't have wings. Never mind.

And you know, his people got to be begging George the Deuce's people for some wee assistance. "C'mon Dubyah, help me out here. Can't you toss a couple artillery shells into Baghdad? You're the master at diversion. Nothing big, just a couple of Tomahawks is all I need."

"Sorry Trent; love to do it, but I'm saving the big one for my re- election. Heh heh heh. You're on your own buddy."

The good news for Trent is, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. The bad news is, all the light is being produced by flames coming from a burning cross. Which apparently even Clarence Thomas thinks is bad. All-right, Clarence. And if this alll weren't enough,last night, Trent appeared on a one-hour interview on Black Entertainment Television. Hasn't he punished these people enough?

In other news, Saddam apologized to Kuwait. He's sorry for that whole invasion thing. Destined to be an apology even less effective than Lott's. And in the spirit of screwing up big time, Henry Kissinger quit his post as head of the 9-11 investigative committee citing a conflict of interest. Well of course there was a conflict of interest, he was supposed to head up a FACT FINDING COMMISSION. He has no experience in that. A FACT QUASHING COMMISSION, now that he's qualified for.

18 December 02

Although comedian Will Durst's official site proclaims him an "equal-opportunity offender", we like to think he's just got loads of common sense. That's probably why he's a five-time Emmy nominee. He's also host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" and a regular commentator on NPR and CNN.