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 "It's
a done deal. By the end of 2003, Saddam Hussein will either be out of
power or out of the realm of the living. So who's next in line for the
coveted position of dictator -- uh, leader -- of Iraq, home to the largest
supply of crude reserves on Earth? Here's the list of nominees."
 "For
me, satire is a powerful tool and it's not sufficiently used; it's
not just for late-night jokes but really to promote fundamental change.
And it's inevitable that when you attempt to change the status quo,
you're going to make some people upset. That's the price of change."
 "For
white people, it will be different. They will be advised to refer
to the U.S. Federal Standard 595B Color Chart (or the Ralph Lauren
color chip guide at Home Depot) to determine the range of colors permissible
in a potential spouse."
 "What
do a toilet bowl and a woman's vagina have in common? They both need
to be cleaned with Lysol." |
by Ross Levine The following is a list of possible actions the U.S. can take to achieve its objectives in Iraq without going to war: 1. In order to make Saddam abandon his pursuit of chemical weapons, demonstrate their destructive power by using the evolution of Michael Jackson's face as a terrifying example. 2. Get our feet off the Ottoman and talk Turkey -- tell the Turks we will pay them the equivalent of our predicted national debt for 2003 if they agree to invade Iraq on our behalf. 3. Ship old butterfly ballots from Palm Beach to Iraq as the first step toward establishing free democratic elections there. Saddam will surely win, of course, but will also realize that democracy isn't that different from his present political system. 4. Gain Iraqi confidence by proving we have no need for their oil. President Bush can reformulate the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, substituting the word "Eskimos" for "North Vietnamese"; the White House can then claim a legitimate reason for invading ANWAR without Congressional approval. 5. With the discovery of long-range missiles in Iraq, Hans Blix and his U.N. inspection team can kill two birds with a single stone by "accidentally" firing one of the missiles at Pyongyang, thus triggering a North Korean million-man march to Baghdad. 6. Have Great White perform for Saddam at whichever presidential palace contains the largest stash of banned explosives.
7. Fly the Democratic presidential hopefuls to Iraq as emissaries for peace; even a monster like Saddam is likely to abdicate rather than endure such company (if Al Sharpton wants to stay on as the new head of state, why not?) 8. Replace the U.N. weapons inspectors with airport security personnel, making it more than likely they won't find anything. 9. Let Saddam annex the Czech Republic to increase the likelihood that he'll attack France. Then, when the French request our help, all we need say is, "You gave us Indochina, this was the least we could do." 10. To shore up the Iraqi economy in hopes of creating a class capable of toppling Saddam, let John Ashcroft spearhead a campaign to have the United Kingdom return to Iraq all archaeological treasures stolen from Mesopotamia in the past three centuries. As a side note, Ashcroft's skill at cleaning up works of art might prove invaluable to such an effort. 11. In order to encourage reciprocal action on the part of the Iraqis, the U.S. can demonstrate good faith by destroying all of its own agents of mass destruction, including, for example, Ephedra, Fen-Phen, Round-Up, Miracle Grow, Raid, Botox and Coca Cola. 12. Conduct airdrops of duct tape and plastic wrap over Saddamese strongholds throughout Iraq along with pamphlets stating that a U.S. attack is imminent and that people should seal themselves into their homes. As large numbers of his supporters suffocate, Saddam will lose his power base, allowing opposition factions to depose him. 13. On the subject of airdrops, America might also consider a massive food-aid program which could place the majority of the Iraqi population on an American diet within six months -- again, with lethal consequences. 14. Let Bush pretend to mispronounce the word "God" during all his speeches and say "jihad" instead. Americans, used to his linguistic missteps, will think little of it, while Saddam will begin finding Bush more of a spiritual friend. In the same vein, have Bush, in referring to Iraq, drop the "axis of evil" bit and replace it with, let's say, "Camelot," also to inspire Saddam's cooperation. If our dyslexic leader mistakenly transposes it and calls Iraq "Lotcamel," well, who will disagree?
15. Have the Senate appropriate itself a backbone. 16. Taking advantage of diplomatic channels, get former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski appointed Saddam's interior minister in charge of palace décor. Filling just one of Saddam's dwellings with $6,000 shower curtains should bankrupt the Iraqi despot, rendering him unable to purchase his men's loyalty. 17. To make Saddam disappear off the radar, turn his case over to the New Jersey Child Welfare Agency. 18. Offer Saddam a safe haven for the rest of his life in Kennebunkport, Maine. If he balks, we could try Malibu, what with so many Hollywood luminaries already convinced he'd make a fine neighbor. 19. Tell Saddam we're sending him a small token of our esteem -- a new limousine -- and have NASA build it. Of course, if war proves inevitable despite the creative suggestions above, it behooves us to bypass our enlisted men and send only the best we have into combat: the Washington DC division of our cracked Republican guard. 24 February 03 Ross Levine is a playwright, author and editor who accidentally left his heart on the East Coast. Regardless of what Trent Lott says, Levine believes that voting for Strom Thurmond in 1948 wouldn't have made anything in this world better. Including Michael Jackson.
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