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 "For
me, satire is a powerful tool and it's not sufficiently used; it's not
just for late-night jokes but really to promote fundamental change.
And it's inevitable that when you attempt to change the status quo,
you're going to make some people upset. That's the price of change."
 "Bush's
fractured language is shot through with hints that he subscribes to
the eschatological program of the Christian right. This is sincere,
unfortunately -- not mere "religious jingoism." In his mind, it has
no "ramifications," but simply is what's right. ." "There's
some thing in our psyche, this kind of right or privilege to resolve
our conflicts with violence. There's an arrogance to that concept. To
actually have to sit down and talk, to listen, to compromise, that's
hard work. To go for the gun, that's the cowardly act."
 "It's
a done deal. By the end of 2003, Saddam Hussein will either be out of
power or out of the realm of the living. So who's next in line for the
coveted position of leader of Iraq, home to the largest supply of crude
reserves on Earth? Here's the list of nominees."
 "For
white people, it will be different. They will be advised to refer to
the Ralph Lauren color chip guide at Home Depot to determine the range
of colors permissible in a potential spouse."
 "What
do a toilet bowl and a woman's vagina have in common? They both need
to be cleaned with Lysol."
 "The
music business is run by lawyers and accountants, and they don't really
care about the integrity of art."
 "And
that's where some of the roots of this are: bizarre delusions in the
minds of people with too much time on their hands that somehow I deprived
them of being major label rock stars."
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by Ross Levine When I bumped into a neighbor recently, she seemed somewhat distressed and I asked her what was wrong. She said she had just heard on the radio that Americans should prepare for war, but she had no idea what she was supposed to do. So I came up with a few suggestions for her, which I have written down to share with all of you. 1. Step on the gas. Unlike other wars, to win this one we don't have to ration, just rationalize. In fact, the more fossil fuel we burn up during the conflict, the more essential the conflict becomes. Think of it this way -- every time you stick that 25-gallon bottle in your Durango's mouth, it's like purchasing a $45 war bond. 2. Buy blackout curtains. Although the chances of Iraqi warplanes bombing the home front are relatively nil, there's no guarantee the U.N. weapons inspectors didn't miss an aircraft carrier or two. And curtains have the added advantage of preventing spies from looking into your living room (enemy spies, that is -- our own are not so easily foiled). 3. In line with #2 above, clear your coffee table of all literature even remotely related to the Middle East or Islam. (The same goes for those "Hail to the Thief" posters in your bedroom.) All it takes is the roving eye of one sharp-witted pizza boy to have you generating a pile of paperwork at your local Homeland Security station. We don't want our government watchdogs wasting resources on some wild burnoose chase, do we, so why put even a trace of suspicion in their heads? Purge your bookshelves (and your thoughts) of anything non-Judeo-Christian (feel free to drop the Judeo if you wish), and you'll be one-upping the President by pre-empting a pre-emptive strike. 4. Extract your progeny from college. This may not be necessary once the war is over, but during a military campaign, universities by nature are a magnet for those of -- to put it mildly -- questionable patriotism. No use exposing your kids to anti-American sentiments at such an impressionable age. And if victory is delayed and they by chance end up in uniform, any doubts implanted by college pinkos and their ilk will only make it harder for your darlings to keep their wits about them while slithering over the dunes. Of course, if the war drags on long enough for the college crowd to fight, it'll be time to negotiate anyway. 5. Log your back yard. Although this might seem to have no direct connection to the war effort, it's important that Americans sacrifice their own wild places as our nation does the same in its efforts to stay energy insatiable. Also, denuding your patio of vegetation will help raise world carbon dioxide levels, thus turning the heat up on our foes in the Fertile Crescent. If you're concerned you won't have anywhere to tie your yellow ribbons, relax -- any fence post or phone pole will do.
6. Pay those taxes -- especially if you make under $50K a year. Those who earn more keep our economy moving and must therefore continue indulging during wartime, knowing that jobs and livelihoods depend on their excesses. But for those of us with little hope of reaching the point where our debaucheries benefit others, paying taxes on even a meager income is the strongest statement we can make in support of our troops and leaders. A plutocracy can only function when salaries -- as opposed to those who earn them -- remain upwardly mobile. To put it another way, trickle down is useless without a geyser from below. 7. Which brings us to: Support the President's tax cut plan. Unless the upper echelons are free to invest in armament stocks and the like without fear of the "taxes of evil," we cannot even have this war, let alone debate it another year. 8. Alter your travel plans -- and I don't mean just canceling that junket to Baghdad or Kuwait City. If, for example, you're about to leave for Europe, plan to spend your time, and currency, in the "new Europe" as opposed to the old one. The old Europe started a couple of world wars and shuns fast for slow food, as in snails. The new Europe includes the American bloc countries (yes, an ironic curtain has descended over the continent). Ideally, however, you shouldn't travel at all during wartime, at least not out of the country. There's nothing beyond our shores anyway except terrorists and potential terrorists, and unless you happen to live or work in a major metropolitan area, you're relatively safe in the States. Once the war on terrorism is over, there will be no danger traveling abroad, though by then you may be too old to make it to the bathroom, let alone the Hermitage. 9. Focus on life as it will be once the war ends and victory is ours. For example, you won't have to give a darn what size car you buy. You'll sleep at night knowing that the only weapons of mass destruction you need fear are those rumbling past your house on their way to Yucca Flats, Nevada. You won't have health insurance, you'll be working twice as hard for half as much, you'll be choking in traffic morning, noon and night, and your golden years will teach you the meaning of poverty. In short, life in America will be completely back to normal. 10. Consume. And be extra diligent about doing so without guilt. K-mart will go out of business unless you make every day a blue light special; United will die unless you take to the friendly skies; Worldcom will -- well, never mind. There is nothing shameful about exercising your purchase power while our fighting men and women are getting Gulf War Syndrome the Sequel or coming home in body bags. Think of America as one giant animal that lives to be fed. Now think of yourselves as bacteria in that animal's stomach living off whatever it devours. Keep that metaphor in mind the next time you're reluctant to buy something you don't need.
11. Speaking of bacteria, roll up your sleeve. When Uncle Sam comes around with that needle swarming with biochemical agents, take it like an hombre. Even after Saddam is on the run, he can still put a pox on you big time. If you're worried that an ounce of prevention may be worse than the disease de jour, rest assured -- the U.S. government knows what it's doing. After all, during the anthrax attacks, neither rain, sleet, snow, hail, or a few postal workers kept our leaders from their appointed rounds. 12. Pray -- always a wise course of action. Or, as politicians and church leaders prefer to put it, "join together in prayer." Sometimes, in violent circumstances like battle, it seems God is on vacation and needs to be summoned back to the office. The more calls He gets, the more likely He is to pay attention. If and when He does finally show, however, He tends to micro-manage -- "you live, you don't," that sort of thing -- without doing anything about the big picture. Fortunately, we are now blessed with a faith-based administration determined to take up the slack. Like I say, pray. 13. Lastly, once the fighting begins, and for its duration, while the banks of the Euphrates will see an exchange of actual bombs and bullets, over here it will surely prove a campaign of words. By all means, make "war" the bon mot of every conversation -- repeat it copiously; regale your friends with it and shoot the three-letter lulu across the Web. The more you speak and write of "war", the more you galvanize the nation, upgrading this adventure from a mere "Camp Grenada" to the status of a "WW" or a Vietnam -- "WW" should suffice. By the same token, there are three words that no American should utter until the regime is so changed that even Bush can't milk a vote out of it. It's a phrase best forgotten entirely, but to repeat it during the Iraq chapter of this crusade on terror is like not only telling the emperor that his epidermis is showing, but that his Viagra's wearing off. So say it now before hostilities commence, lest you be tempted later on to jinx our next episode of "Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia" into reaching yet another empty-headed -- excuse me, handed -- conclusion: Quoth the maven, "Osama bin Laden." 01 February 03 Ross Levine is a playwright, author and editor who accidentally left his heart on the East Coast. Regardless of what Trent Lott says, Levine believes that voting for Strom Thurmond in 1948 wouldn't have made anything in this world better. Including Michael Jackson.
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