MLK had a dream; we want to see it come true. Be NICE, support ICARE. (Photo: Charles Moore/Black Star)

[by Godfrey Daniel]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO THE PRESS (AP, UPI, CNN, BET, et.al.)

To: The President of The United States, Members of the United States Senate, and House of Representatives

From: Godfrey Daniel, Researcher-in-chief and Professor Emeritus, Ethnic and Tribal Studies, Department of Anthro-apology and Social Engineering, California University, Southern California, USA

Re: A cure for racism in our time.

Following the 73rd anniversary of the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., we have come together to issue a call for a national referendum to eliminate once and for all a poison in the bloodstream of the American body politic: racism. Racism and its underpinnings (ethnocentrism, tribalism, and narrow-mindedness) have been, and continue to be, a scourge on the American landscape. Therefore, the Institute for the Condemnation and Abolition of Racism/Ethnocentrism (ICARE) is preparing a program that will eliminate this cancer on American society. We will propose to the Human Rights Commission and the joint Houses of Congress that a law be enacted that will, within four generations, eliminate ethnic/racial/tribal hatred in America forever.

The law, in its simplest form, is this: no person may marry within their own "race", "ethnicity", or "tribe" for the next 100 years.

This statute will have a "Sunset Provision" that will automatically nullify the law exactly 100 years after it is enacted. The New Initiative to Control Ethnocentrism (NICE) law will be the most comprehensive approach to combating bigotry that the world has ever seen. The reasoning behind the law is straightforward: Most bigotry results from a failure to identify with the humanity of the oppressed individuals, an unfamiliarity with other ethnic groups, and a feeling of "otherness" from people that look different. In addition, most bigots believe that "blood is thicker than water" and that one never causes trouble within their own family. These shortsighted views of small-minded people will be used to defeat the very people that espouse them: bigots of all stripes. Their own muddled reasoning will be brought to bear against them.

Here are some of the provisions and highlights:

1. This is not a coercive law; there is no punishment for marrying within "tribes." People who marry outside the group, however, will be rewarded with generous tax incentives for the first ten years of the marriage. Marriages that last less than ten years will receive incentives on a pro-rata basis. Multiple marriages are frowned upon.

2. There will be no penalty for marriage within the "tribe," but individuals will need to read The Manual and sign forms stating that their marriage is not a veiled attempt to preserve "racial purity."

3. As a corollary to the marriage law, there will be similar rewards for adoptive couples that adopt outside the "tribe."

4. People within a sub-category will be able to marry within their category, as long as their sub-categories are not the same. For example, under the category of ASIAN, a person in the sub-category of CHINESE may marry a JAPANESE, but not another CHINESE. The reasons for this are obvious: it will help stamp out the feeling among many Vietnamese (for example) that Cambodians (for example) are monkeys.

5. People in the category of AMERICAN INDIAN/ALASKA NATIVE may marry anyone they want, because their category is minuscule and will have no impact on the future. It is strongly suggested, however, that they marry outside their tribe (literally) to increase their future numbers so they may become eligible for future government programs that we will be addressing in our next meeting. It will also help reduce nasty stereotypes. For example, if a Lakota Sioux woman decides to marry a dyed-in-the-wool Irish Catholic man, who will tolerate either of them being called a "drunk?"

6. People in the BLACK/AFRICAN-AMERICAN category will bear the biggest burden (surprise!) of any group. Since they have been put-upon by almost every other single group since their first days in America, they need to "spread their seed" in as many different categories as possible. In this way, the bloodlines of Africa will course through the veins of innumerable Mexican/German/Polish/Pakistani/Korean citizens. This will be difficult, owing to their small percentage of the overall population, but it is achievable.

7. White people have a lot of work to do, because they make up the largest portion of the U.S. population, and are arguably the most racist of the bunch. One problem that pops up immediately is the fact that Latino/Hispanic shows up as WHITE. Even the most Liberal white folk won't agree that they should be in the same category as Latinos. Most white folks would narrow their self-definition much more than that: Northern, Central or Eastern European. This does not include: Sicilian, Greek, most Spanish, Portuguese, or anyone else with a little too much swarthiness. It does include English, Scot, Irish, Icelanders, and those pale folks. Basically, they are, to coin a phrase, "Humans of No Color (HONCs)."

The guidelines for WHITE people will be different than for others. They will be advised to refer to the U.S. Federal Standard 595B Color Chart (or the Ralph Lauren color chip guide at Home Depot) to determine the range of colors permissible in a potential spouse. As long as the two parties in the marriage are at least three skin-color shades apart from each other, they will be considered to be in compliance with the NICE law. The sample area of the body used as the color "swatch" will be either the buttocks (non-exposed section) or the underside of the arm (the flabby part). Cheating, like using tanning salons, tanning lotions, or skin lighteners, will result in significant legal sanctions and may result in being placed in a less-favored category.

8. People who are already heavily multi-racial (Cablinasians, for example) are in the "most-favored-nationality" group, and are free to marry anyone of their choosing.

9. The law does not deal with same-sex marriages, since they are barren, and therefore moot. Same-sex married couples who choose to adopt will be held to the same standard as "normal" married couples (see Federal Standard 595B, mentioned above).

This is a task that will require much patience and forbearance from all citizens, but the Department believes that the time is ripe for this soul-cleansing action. We believe that, once the American people have seen "the prize" at the end of this national struggle, they will join wholeheartedly. The more enthusiastically the process is pursued, the sooner the goal will be achieved.

It is conceivable that the Noble Purpose could be reached within the lifetime of children now being born. What a glorious sight for a future-grandparent, now being born, to look out upon the sea of grandchildren in their family and not be able to discern the "original color" of the "first pioneers!"

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