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"For me, satire is a powerful tool and it's not sufficiently used; it's not just for late-night jokes but really to promote fundamental change. And it's inevitable that when you attempt to change the status quo, you're going to make some people upset. That's the price of change."

Saddam's Replacement: The Short List

by Tom McNichol

Basically, it's a done deal. Probably by the end of 2003, Saddam Hussein will either be out of power or out of the realm of the living. Which begs the question: who's next in line for the coveted position of dictator -- uh, leader -- of Iraq, home to the largest supply of crude reserves on Earth? Here's the list of nominees. The envelope please...

Taha Yassin Ramazan, vice president of Iraq
Pro: Saddam's No. 2 already has hands on levers of power; is trusted by elite Republican Guard, knows where the bodies are buried
Con: Fiercely loyal to Saddam; unlikely to eliminate weapons of mass destruction

Uday Saddam Hussein, eldest son of Saddam
Pro: Elected to Iraqi parliament with impressive 99.99% of popular vote; President Bush known to be comfortable with notion of an underachieving son succeeding his father as chief executive; name is similar enough to father's that street demonstrators can continue to hold "pro-Saddam" rallies
Con: According to a recent Connie Chung Tonight report, Uday is "even more dangerous than Saddam"

Ahmed Chalabi, co-founder and leader of London-based exile group, Iraqi National Congress
Pro: Wealthy Iraqi businessman has backing of Bush administration
Con: Wealthy Iraqi businessman has backing of Bush administration

Brigadier Abdul-Karim Qassem, former Prime Minster of Iraq
Pro: Widely respected soldier-politician has support of Iraqi military; knows country's fractious politics well, has no particular animus towards the U.S.
Con: Killed in coup, 1963

General Tommy Franks, commander of U.S. forces in Persian Gulf
Pro: Military governor in tradition of Douglas MacArthur in postwar Japan
Con: Looks unconvincing wearing dark glasses and smoking a corncob pipe

Jimmy Carter, former U.S. president; volunteer, Habitat for Humanity
Pro: Nobel Peace Prize winner widely trusted by international community
Con: Will need to build houses much faster to replace Iraqi dwellings destroyed in the war

Tom Ridge, director, Office of Homeland Security
Pro: Gives him something constructive to do about homeland security
Con: Experience as governor of Pennsylvania may not be applicable to Iraq

Sam Torrance, Professional golfer from Scotland, PGA Ryder Cup European team captain
Pro: Mustachioed Saddam look-alike
Con: Lacks Saddam's "killer instinct" with a club

Jack Welch, former CEO, General Electric
Pro: Proven leader eager to redeem himself after public embarrassment over infidelity, lavish retirement package
Con: Adultery still a capital crime in Iraq

Jennifer Aniston, actress, plays Rachel on Friends
Pro: Already well-known among Iraqi elite with satellite TV and Internet access; recently told Vogue, "I'd love to just disappear some time."
Con: Brad

Barry Bonds, left fielder, San Francisco Giants
Pro: National League batting champ and MVP for 2002 season, fourth on all-time home run list behind Aaron, Ruth, and Mays
Con: No known support in Kurdish northern Iraq

Lance Bass, singer, 'NSYNC
Pro: Schedule wide open after failing to gain berth on International Space Station
Con: Muslim sensibilities offended by 'NSYNC hit, "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You"; Arab Street known to prefer Justin

Marilyn Vos Savant, author of "Ask Marilyn" column in Parade magazine, listed in Guinness Book of World Records with IQ of 228
Pro: Post-war Iraq will need a leader of great intelligence
Con: According to the Marilyn is Wrong! website, Marilyn is frequently wrong

Andy Rooney, commentator, 60 Minutes
Pro: Shares roughly the same view of women as Saddam
Con: Even hard-line Iraqis consider him "too cranky"

11 November 02

The Bottom Line Here's a hard question for the war hawks. Just where exactly is Dick Cheney? After all, he was cozy with Saddam as recently as a few years ago. Arianna Huffington -- and millions of inquiring minds not ready for another oil war -- would like to know . . . MORE	Reality War TV According to Tommy Franks, the television war to end all television wars has begun. But just how far removed are embeds, video game graphics and images of dead soldiers from snuff films? And how much will that mediation denature what may be the bloodiest conflict since Vietnam? . . . MORE	The Spoils of War Before a bunker buster was launched, the Busheviks had already lined up a few corporations to divvy up the billion-dollar government contracts to rebuild Iraq. But there was no bidding war -- the prizes simply went to fat-cat donors. Does anyone else smell a master plan here? Arianna Huffington does . . . MORE
U.S. Democracy is Under Siege Everything might be hunky dory for the war hawks, but Bush Dyslexicon author Mark Crispin Miller is shaking in his shoes. Whether it's North Korea, war in Iraq, or Fox News, Mark says we should be afraid. Very afraid . . . MORE	Name That Regime! They've greedily sold chemical weapons with but one purpose in mind: to kill as many humans as possible at once. Plus, they've imprisoned thousands of their citizens up without due process. So exactly who are these civil liberty party animals? . . . MORE	The Gunfight at the Iraqi Corral With terms like "cowboy" and "outlaw" being thrown America's way from, well, just about everyone, now's the time to pitch the Western that the Bush dynasty has been filming for two decades. After all, you can't trust wimps like "old Europe" to deliver justice at the end of a barrel . . . MORE