Taliban Table Manners, Or My Dinner With Osama

Godfrey Daniel
Morphizm Political Columnist

The Taliban in Afghanistan -- through its leader, Mullah Mohammad Omar -- has decided that it would be rude to ask Osama bin Laden to leave the country because Islam stresses hospitality so much. "A host does not ask a guest to leave", is how he put it at the time.

Now, the council of Muslim clerics has "asked" bin Laden to leave, but they're not quite sure where he is or if he hasn't left the country already. As one of the so-called great religions of the world, it seems clear that Islam -- at least in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan -- is just as sweet as can be, and doesn't want to appear pushy or inhospitable. What could be worse than that? ("It's not like he's a 'danger to the community'," one juror in the O.J. Simpson trial said after his acquittal)?

"I tell you again, I did not do this. It might look like me, but I was in my cave planning an attack on London, Western pigdog! Oh by the way, please don't kill me." (AP Photo)

Let's back up a minute, and think about this. Aren't these the same people who demand the right, under Islamic law, to:

• Execute Afghan men who visit prostitutes?
• Execute gay Afghan men convicted of "buggery" by burying them alive, then toppling a wall on them?
• Execute Afghan women who are deemed to have dishonored Islam by walking down the street with the "wrong" man?
• Imprison -- and even execute -- Afghan women who have the audacity to work outside the home, even if they have no other means of support?
• Execute any Afghan who dares to convert from Islam to another religion?
• Forcibly imprison or deport infidels -- or outsiders -- who bring the Bible into the country, even though these Christians are also supposed to be "people of The Book?"
• Pass a death sentence (fatwa) on all Americans and Jews because they have trod on, and therefore "polluted the soil" of Islamic nations?
• Declare a holy war (jihad) on any Muslim nation who would "ask" bin Laden and his ilk to leave their own territory?

Could it be perhaps that the Taliban are not being completely forthright about bin Laden? Not likely. I mean, what compelling reason would they have to lie to the international community? It is far more likely that they are simply INCAPABLE of being rude, and are too proud to ask for help in this delicate matter. We owe it to ourselves, and the world, to give them a hand and help bin Laden leave the country willingly.

So we at Morphizm commissioned a survey by the famous French polling agency, Rude Press, asking for suggestions on how the Taliban could convince their "guest" to step out of the cave and leave the country. The responses were numerous and innovative.

• Tell bin Laden that Barbara Walters wants to interview him, but she can't travel out of New York because she gets airsick.
• Tell bin Laden that Larry King wants to interview him in New York and that his safety will be guaranteed by the NYPD.
• Tell bin Laden that there's a "blue light special" on AK-47s at K-Mart in Dayton, Ohio.
• Tell bin Laden that someone found a wallet belonging to him, it has $150 dollars in it, and he just needs to come to the Post Office in Kabul when it opens on Monday morning.
• Tell bin Laden that he's won a three-day trip to Lake Tahoe, and he gets $500 in free chips to Harrah's.
• Tell bin Laden that Mullah Omar is on the phone, but that the cell phone reception is no good in the cave, and he should go outside for a better connection.
• Tell bin Laden that there are no hard feelings, and that the United States is sending a helicopter for him to take him to the truce-signing ceremonies.
• SEND JESSE JACKSON. After a couple of days with the Master Sloganeer, bin Laden will hike all the way to Rudy Giuliani's mansion without being asked.

If these ideas meet with no success, then maybe we should re-examine our entire view of this uncomfortable situation, and ask ourselves some hard questions:

• Could it be that bin Laden and the Taliban are lying to us about their involvement in the tragedy?
• Is there any chance that these Muslim "clerics" are actually calling for a holy war against the infidels because they feel threatened by the democratic nature of modern secular society, where others can practice any religion they choose?
• Could it be that half the Muslim world is actually pleased with the handiwork of this intrepid band of hooligans?
• Are most of the expressions of shock and outrage from Arab countries hollow, meaningless gestures, given to avoid being targeted by a Stealth bomber?
• Do many countries tacitly encourage the worldview of the West -- especially the United States -- as the Great Satan so that they can ignore the day-to-day conditions under which their population lives, further focusing their anger away from the lack of democracy, freedom of expression, potable water, and roads without potholes?
• Is it possible that the Taliban, bin Laden, and his followers are simply reactionary, totalitarian, neo-medieval Luddites who despise the modern world and long for a return of glory days of Islam, vanquishing the "new Crusaders" and returning the world to the way Allah wants it?

Nahhhhhhh! We just don't understand them, right?

"Allah, please don't let us get bombed back to the Stone Age," thinks Taliban Ambassador to Pakistan Abdul Salam Zaeef. "Oh wait, we are in the Stone Age!" (AP Photo)

The matter may be much more straightforward than that, my friends. The events at the WTC, the activities of bin Laden, et. al., and the Taliban's posturing have a more sinister side, and should be a warning to everybody, not just the West.

The entire episode can be thought of as "lifting the veil" on a danger inherent in Islam: the philosophy that it is THE ANSWER.

This is the same philosophy that infected the Catholic Church during the Crusades and the Inquisition, where non-believers were eliminated to "purify" the world. The lesson that the West has learned through those ridiculous episodes in world history is that the most important freedom that people everywhere should enjoy, one which is clearly delineated in the U.S. Constitution, is that of religion.

And the critical part of that freedom is the freedom from religion.

Islam needs to be careful that it doesn't allow the lunatics inside its confines to alienate the rest of the world outside of them, which it is well on the way to doing as we speak. Eventually, Islam will take its place as one of the primary belief systems of people worldwide, but it simply will not be the one true religion foisted on unwilling masses -- witness the Catholic Church during the Reformation and the present time. The idea of a state-sanctioned religion is just another form of totalitarianism, an idea that is thankfully on the wane, unless you happen to be friends or followers of self-important windbags like Jerry Falwell.

In this day of instant communication -- the hallowed Information Age -- people are beginning to hear and see the world through their own senses, and they will not be content having to wait for their leaders to interpret the world for them for long -- they will begin to think for themselves and act in their own best self-interest. It is this inexorable move towards the democratization of information that the Taliban and their ilk are fighting so hard against, and they are quickly and rightfully beginning to lose their influence, stature, and power. It is no accident that the fundamentalist movements and governments around the world isolate their populations from outside ideas before they do anything else. These are shallow attempts at inoculating their people -- whether they use secret police or fellow citizens with AK-47s to do it -- against the so-called heretics and idolaters that surround their territory.

The formula is simple, really. When their control begins to slip -- and their population begins to become "corrupted" -- they act with violence and repression, and start staging executions in the Kabul soccer stadium. It is the last burst of gamma rays emanating from the dying star, the Red Giant, before it vanishes into the void. Which is the good news: history will not wait for them, but will slowly rumble over them as it did the Soviet Union.

Indeed, a black hole is waiting for the likes of bin Laden and the Taliban. If it can bend light, it can easily deal with a troupe of hard-line zealots afraid of change.