[by Sandra Fu ]
To any woman who has encountered the disgusting gas station toilet, the dive bar waste-hole or the airport restroom - complete with the scattered remains of indigestable airplane food - let me say that I understand your horror and disgust. What can be done about it, you may ask yourself as you begrudgingly take a seat to urinate? Though there is nothing that may rectify the literal filth of the experience, there is something you can do for yourself and for the well-being of your ass.
It's called the Hover-Piss.
You're probably already familiar with the position if you go to the gym, like every woman in America. And you may be well-practiced in it if you are concerned, again, like every woman in America, with the size of your ass. It's the same position used for squats at the gym but is infinitely more useful in a public restroom. Stand with your legs about hip-width apart and slowly lower your butt towards the toilet, like a mothership looking to beam up her long-lost alien brethren, making sure to get low in the squat. Some women may find it useful to support their upper body by propping their hands or forearms on their knees. Once properly positioned go ahead and let loose the stream.
For women who do not practice the Hover-Piss, it's something that I highly recommend you start employing for a variety of reasons, the most important of which is to avoid foreign DNA from making contact with your skin. Sure, many restrooms provide toilet seat covers, but never the ones that need it the most.
Think about it.
Not one single dive bar or club I've gone to has ever supplied toilet seat covers. Besides, who wants to take the time to arrange those flimsy sheets of inhospitable tissue on a toilet seat anyway? Now if you need to do double duty - you know, putting down the double, or in my case, triple layer of protection - I understand taking your time. But otherwise, please do us all a favor and just Hover-Piss. The line for the women's restroom is long enough already.
Then there are you women that simply sit on the toilet seat, no matter how repugnant it may be. You know who you are. The ones that sneer at prissy habits like the Hover-Piss, that insist communicable germs are a myth, that declare with condescension that most germs die after minimal exposure to air. Though you may be right, let me beg you to reconsider your stance. Just take a moment to really contemplate the public restroom. There are potentially hundreds of different women using the same toilet in one day. Who knows how often it gets cleaned? Who knows exactly what is on, or has been on, the toilet you're about to rest your bottom on? A few items come to mind: dried or wet piss, pubic hairs, diarrhea, menstrual blood and possibly even semen (from those daring couples who couldn't wait to get home). I think those are at least five very good reasons for abstaining from toilet-sitting.
The Proper Stance
Which leads to my second precaution.It is entirely important to make sure that your pants, shorts, whatever it is that you may be wearing while effecting the Hover-Piss stance, are lowered to about knee level. Otherwise, you might end up with a large wet spot on yourgarments.
Once you are positioned in the correct Hover-Piss stance, your clothes adequately lowered, go ahead and rest your forearms on your thighs, and use the hand of your choice to pull your underwear away from the toilet seat. Underwear has a sneaky way of getting into your stream, so don't let it outwit you. Tuck it away and not only will you prevent urinating on it, you will also prevent it from making contact with the nasty, exposed part of the toilet bowl located between the gap in the toilet seat. You all know which one I am talking about. The area with all the piss drops and conspicuous pubic hairs, which like to just nestle there as if it were their home away from home. Trust me, you do not want your underwear to touch that part of the toilet. If it does, I would recommend going pantyless in favor of wearing someone else's piss so close to your reproductive organs.
For instance, after a few too many cocktails, awareness, coordination and basically common sense fly out the window, which is why it is so very important to take a moment and collect your wits before you enter a public restroom. Envision the scenario. Legally drunk woman enters bathroom, wobbling and giggling, crossing her legs, shifting her hips back and forth, doing the dance as she waits for a stall to open up. When it is finally her turn, she rushes into the stall and hikes up her skirt.
Stop. There are three ways she can ward off screwing up this Hover-Piss situation. Can you guess what they may be? Two of them have already been covered. First, she must make sure to squat deep enough so she doesn't piss on herself. Second, she must be aware enough to tuck in her underwear to avoid both her own urine and the nasty toilet. The third is a tough one and I'm glad to pass on this knowledge before you encounter this dilemma yourself.
As a drunk woman who is amused and entertained by, oh, so many things, do not be tempted to duck your head down and watch your lovely yellow stream of piss. Sure, it might seem interesting at the time, but let me guarantee you that an inebriated woman trying to watch her own piss will definitely keel over and crash head first into the stall door. This situation can prove both messy and embarrassing. Don't attempt it.
Another special situation to consider is when you are on your period and are utilizing the absorbing benefits of a tampon. One would think: urethra, vaginal opening, two different holes, no problem, right? Wrong again. Let me tell you, it is definitely a problem. The placement of a tampon may press into the urethra, blocking the direct flow of urine. Pee mayl spray every which way but in the toilet if one attempts to Hover-Piss with a tampon inserted. Now, the odds are that you will eventually need to hover-piss with a tampon in, so let me pass on this advice. It is crucial to get into a very deep squat if you encounter this situation. A stance so deep that you are almost touching the toilet. This will really test the strength of your quads and glutes. Think of it as an extra workout. Do whatever necessary to get in such a position. Just get as close to the toilet seat as possible without actually touching it. It is the only way to prevent pissing on everything in the immediate vicinity.
Now if you're drunk and on your period, well, forget it. I have no advice for you, except to maybe sit on your hands and hope for the best. Just make sure to disinfect them afterwards.
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
Have some common courtesy. Know that when you leave the toilet with piss all over it, someone else will need to use it next. I'm sure you don't like it when it happens to you. Remember the Golden Rule (a most fitting color considering the topic concerned). If it happens, do the right thing. I don't want to touch the toilet seat either, but if you pee on the seat, then you have to clean it up.
Some advice. I'm proud to say that I have nearly perfected the Hover-Piss, so that it is an extremely rare occurrence that I actually drip on the seat. However, when I do, my tactic is to get a wad of toilet paper and wipe it up with minimal pressure. There is so much distance between my hand and the toilet seat that I don't freak out about the germs. I don't know how many times I've seen pee all over the seat and chosen to use another stall. When there's a shortage of restrooms, as there often is, someone is either going to have to clean up another person's piss or they'll have to Hover-Piss over someone else's yellow spray and risk getting foreign urine on themselves. Plus, the next person to use the stall will think you were the one who sprinkled when you tinkled and who needs those extra dirty looks?
Neither is a very pleasant option, so just make sure and clean up when you Hover-Piss. It's those who refuse to clean up that give Hover-Pissing a bad name.
One particularly helpful benefit was revealed while backpacking through Europe three years ago. The United States, being such a young country, has the best sanitation system in the world and I can't tell you how much I took that for granted until I traveled overseas. Anytime I stood within ten feet of a public restroom, all I could smell was sewage. I envisioned malicious, mutated germs, multiplied in size until they metamorphosed into actual life-forms. Slimy, green, oozy beings with very large teeth. Can you imagine my chagrin upon the realization that I would have to enter one and possibly battle a nasty creature in order to relieve myself? The memory still makes me shudder.
In the U.S., we've got it easy. You rarely encounter the stench like the one that permeates most public restrooms in old, foreign countries. I spent such a large portion of the time holding my breath that I think I expanded my lung capacity one hundred percent. Between the smell and the filth, you can bet I thanked my lucky stars that I was already a seasoned Hover-Pissing veteran, because I was experienced enough to urinate with my very large, very heavy backpack on. A definite plus. Since often there was not enough room to take off the pack, and usually an unidentifiable goop on the floor so that I didn't want to take it off anyway. You might think, "OK, worst-case scenario, I can always sit on the seat with my pack on." Wrong. There isn't enough room between the seat and the tank to do that successfully.
Incidentally, I was traveling with a Hover-Pissing neophyte who had to take off her pack every time she needed to use the bathroom. She envied my expert Hover-Pissing skills that allowed me pee with my pack on. As desperately as she wanted to Hover-Piss with her pack on, she just couldn't. Sometimes I would end up holding her pack for her, but circumstance sometimes dictated she would have to put it on the disgusting floor. I think one time I actually saw the backpack move of its own accord. Squatting beside her stall, I'll admit that I let out the occasional cruel snicker at her predicament, especially when she uttered words of frustration or jealousy over my ability to Hover-Piss with such expertise.
My skills, you see, had provided more relief than I could have possibly anticipated. Hover-Pissing saved my ass that summer and I'll always be grateful.
It Can Save Your Ass, Too!
Pay to Be Saved
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